Act 1 Scene 3

Scene 3 - Suffolk Terrace Kitchen

Nathan stands at the head of the table which is placed centrally stage left. Valerie, Emmeline and Tom all sit around looking visibly hungover

Nathan: Right I’ve called this flat meeting because I have it on good authority that we have something of a party flat reputation to live up to this year.

Emmeline: You disturbed me for this? I thought we were meeting about something important

Nathan: This is important Emily

Emmeline: For the last time my name is not Emily! Emily is bland homogenous protoplasm of a name. My name is Emmeline, like Emmeline Pankhurst the women’s suffragette leader. Why are we even having a party anyway?

Tom: Because it was Valerie’s birthday a few weeks ago…

Nathan: …which we couldn’t celebrate because we only met (sings) *Valerie* yesterday

Valerie: And all the rest of you will get to celebrate your actual birthday’s here

Tom: And it would be a great way to get to know everyone in our block

Nathan: Why not invite the whole of Suffolk and Norfolk?

Rosie enters from upper stage left entrance, still in her nightwear, still with her hair ruffled

Rosie: Afternoon, what are you all doing in here?

Nathan: Having a flat meeting about having a party for (sings) *Valerie*

Valerie: Please stop singing my name! I’ve had to endure two years of it, have you any idea what it is like to hear the same joke over and over again?

Rosie: Why are we having a party for (sings)*Valerie*?

Emmeline: We are celebrating Valerie’s birthday retroactively. Whilst we’re at it why don’t we celebrate the 18 Christmases we all had before we met?

Rosie: Why didn’t you knock for me? I really don’t like being excluded

Nathan: I was scared to! The last guy that went into your room ran out in just his boxers

Tom: Yeh what was that all about?

Rosie: Doesn’t matter

Valerie: He was the guy you came back with last night though wasn’t he?

Tom: You hussy!

Rosie You’re all just jealous, because none of you are getting any

Emmeline: I am not jealous

Nathan: Excuse me but you weren’t the only one who had someone last night

Emmeline: I know I could hear the squelching coming from your room

Valerie: Left pretty quickly though, didn’t she? Didn’t even stay the night

Tom: You stud, how did I miss all this?

Rosie: What I don’t understand is both me and Nathan had someone round last night. When he sleeps around he is called a stud. I had someone round last night and I get called a slag, slut, hussy or whore or whatever it was. Why is that?

Nathan: Because it is the male prerogative to sleep around but it isn’t for women

Emmeline: WHAT?

Nathan: It’s our sole purpose in life! From the moment we hit puberty we are programmed to have as much sex as we can. We can’t help it, it’s in our DNA. Sex is our goal and women are our… footballs! That’s why it’s called scoring and why we love football so much, it mirrors what we really want in life. Whereas it is the female prerogative to find a virile man who will stay monogamous to her and the baby. That is the perpetual conflict of humanity and why men are studs and women are sluts.

Emmeline: You chauvinistic amoeba. Go back to the Stone Age and take your sexist ideas with you

Nathan: It’s not sexist, its biology

Valerie: Not on my course it isn’t

Rosie: So are you saying that you want to sleep with all of us?

Nathan: No, not consciously but if any of you threw yourselves at me…

Emmeline: In your perverted dreams

Valerie: Tom, you’re a man, according to Nathan you want to sleep with us, whether you can help it or not, is that true?

Tom: Maybe things are different in America but as attractive as you ladies are I don’t think I would

Rosie: And that makes you all the more attractive…

Valerie: You sound like my gay brother before he came out

Tom: Oh I’m not gay

Valerie: That’s exactly what he said…

Tom: But I’m not

Valerie: Repeatedly, over and over again, until one day he just snapped

Emmeline: Tom if you are gay do not let Nathan know otherwise he will probably burn you at the steak along with all infertile women

Valerie: You better not be homophobic because my brother is gay!

Nathan: I’m not homophobic, stop making a fool out of me Valerie!

Valerie: So you think it’s perfectly natural for some people to be gay?

Nathan: Well not natural as such…

Valerie: So you’re saying that my brother wasn’t born gay but that I made him that way?

Nathan: No!

Valerie: I suppose you think Graham Norton should be taken off television in-case he converts half of Britain

Nathan: No not Graham Norton, just the teletubbies

Emmeline: Teletubbies!?

Nathan: Yeh I think children are very susceptible and influenced easily to homosexuality. I think it’s wrong that Tinky-Winky, who is so obviously male with a name like that, carries a handbag

Emmeline: Hand-bags do not magically make men gay

Nathan: Ok not just teletubbies but so much of children’s TV. Sponge-Bob Square-pants for instance

Tom: You leave Sponge-Bob out of this!

Nathan: But he is so camp! Campest character ever! Even his best friend Patrick is big and pink, how obvious do you want them to make it that they’re a couple? And homosexual couples have always been in children’s TV. Bert and Ernie in Sesame Street share a bed. Sonic and Tales, why do you think Tales is always following Sonic around? And it explains why Sonic runs so fast, he’s trying to get away from Tales because he’s embarrassed that Tales is so effeminately gay. Sooty and Sweep are always horrible to Sue because she represents a matriarchal threat to their secret homosexual relationship. Mario and Luigi, I bet Mario is like can I have a look at your pipes Luigi?

Tom: I’m pretty sure Mario and Luigi were brothers, which is why it was called Super Mario Bros.

Nathan: Ok they were brothers but the other points are still valid and don’t say I’m making it up, I’m a media student I know about these things

Tom: Actually I hate to say it but I agree with Nathan, not about the stupid children’s TV thing but that gays are made and not born that way

Rosie: No you too Tom! But you’re clever

Valerie: Typical American

Emmeline: It is not surprising. He comes from the only country where a homophobic, anti-abortionist neo-conservative can get elected President, twice!

Tom: You leave George Bush out of this. What do you Brits have against him? You think America is such a backwards country just because we have morals. Well I’m sorry that in Britain you lost your morality and became so cynical. I’ve come to this country to get a different perspective on things, to broaden my horizons and all I get from you is this narrow minded, everything fully decided notion of bullshit. It’s just as bad as being at home, it’s just different bullshit.

Nathan: Politics is the root of all evil. Anyway moving back to something far more important, what are we going to do about this party?

Valerie: Yeh let’s do it, I get to celebrate my birthday twice, I’m like the Queen

Emmeline: I do not like the idea of a load of strangers coming round trashing our flat

Nathan: Where are we going to have it then?

Tom: By the lake? The lake looks nice

Nathan: Yeh we could have a Beach Themed Party by the lake

Emmeline: You pervert

Rosie: I’m up for it, I look great in a bikini

Valerie: Me too!

Tom: Me three, not in a bikini, I just like the idea of a beach party

Valerie: When are we going to have it?

Tom: Tuesday

Nathan: No-way, that’s the LCR night, I queued up for hours to get you all tickets

Tom: Wednesday?

Nathan: Ok

Valerie: How are we going to let everyone know though?

Rosie: Facebook event

Emmeline: What is facebook?

Everyone turns around and stares at Emmeline

Rosie: Where have you been living?

Valerie: I don’t know about anyone else but I’m only friends with you lot so far on facebook, a party of five isn’t much of a party

Nathan: Then we’ll put invitations under the doors of all the flats

Rosie: I’m not writing 50 invitations

Nathan: We only have to write one invitation and photocopy it 50 times in the library.

Nathan gets up to get a pen and paper before sitting down at the table and starts to write the invitation

Nathan (writing out-loud): Suffolk Block D, flat 4 invites you to a Beach party…

Act 1 Scene 2 (edited)

Scene 2 – Area in front of the Ziggurats

Georgina, Kevin and the other 2 Student Helpers enter from upper stage centre onto the raised stage

1st Student Helper: My back is killing me from yesterday, is anyone else’s?

2nd Student Helper: No you’re just a weakling, so where are we working today?

Georgina: Norfolk Terrace, where I used to live. Can’t believe it was two years ago since I first came here, feels like two minutes

Kevin: I remember it like it was yesterday. I was so nervous as I walked up to the flat

Georgina: I wasn’t nervous until I’d unpacked and my parents had left me on my own for the first time

2nd Student Helper: The worst part is walking into the kitchen for the first time and seeing a load of strangers staring back at you

1st Student Helper: I don’t remember anything from that first week

Kevin: I remember it really clearly, I walked up, just over there at Norfolk Terrace, not knowing what to do, having to be helped out with everything by the student helpers. I loved that first day, all those possibilities, meeting what will be life-long friends for the first time. That’s why I help out now, another chance to experience it all and to make sure that the freshers’ who come now feel just as welcome as I did.

1st Student Helper: I do it for the £7 an hour

Georgina: That’s really sweet

1st Student Helper: No it’s not

Georgina: I meant Kevin’s story

1st Student Helper: Yeh I know. I find these days depressing, makes you realise that the best days of your life are behind you. Then there’s the futility of it all, one in four of the people you help to move in won’t complete their degrees here. One in four students that you meet will experience mental health problems during their studies. So statistically speaking one of us will suffer, or has already suffered from mental health problems

Georgina: Out of us four I know who my money is on


Lecherous Man runs past in his boxers collecting his scattered clothes

1st Student Helper: Have a good night, did you?

Lecherous Man: Fuck off

Lecherous Man exits
Georgina: So you lived in Norfolk first year then? Same time as me

Kevin: Yeh

Georgina: Its strange, must have passed each other a hundred times in that first year without ever knowing who the other one was

Kevin: I remember you

Georgina: Really?

Kevin: I think, you were in block A and I was in B

Georgina: Remember anything else about me?

Kevin: There was one night, must have been in the first week. Middle of the night, all the fire-alarms went off, no-one knew where to go and you were standing there in the middle of the chaos completely drunk in a cowgirl costume, glittery hat, denim skirt trying to persuade everyone to jump in the lake with you.

Georgina: Oh my God, I did as well!

Kevin: I know, half of Norfolk came down to watch
Georgina: Yeh, the male half! I got totally drenched. Lost my top in the lake in-front of several hundred pervy strangers

Kevin: Missed that bit, unfortunately. I went back to the flat to get you a towel

Georgina: You got me that towel?! Aw thank you so much, I still have it somewhere

Kevin: Maybe you could return it to me one day…

Marcus enters from up stage centre entrance laden with bags and looking incredibly lost

Georgina: Hey, can we help you?

Marcus: Erm yes, I was looking for, er, what was it?

Marcus gets a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, Norfolk Terrace Block…

Georgina: Ah, it’s just down this way

Kevin: Do you want some help carrying all those bags?

Marcus: Yes please

Georgina: Where have you come from?

Marcus: Peterborough, by train

Kevin: You took all those bags on the train with you, alone?

Marcus: Yeh my back is killing me

1st Student Helper: Tell me about it

Georgina: So you’re moving into Norfolk Block A flat 4. Well I tell you something, that particular flat was a massive party flat last year, legendary it was, so you have a reputation to live up to

Kevin: Don’t listen to her. She said that to everyone who moved into Suffolk yesterday

Georgina: Don’t spoil my fun, I nearly convinced a few people yesterday

They walk off stage right into Norfolk Terrace with Marcus’s bags

Act 1 Scene 1

Scene 1 – Rosie’s Flat Window/Area in front of the Ziggurats

Rosie Whitehouse appears at her window, dressed in her nightwear, hair all messed-up and proceeds to throw a shirt, trousers and a pair of shoes down to the ground.

Meanwhile Heidi Rhys-Davies and Heidi’s Mum and Heidi’s Dad walking from up-stage to raised stage centre carrying luggage before stopping and looking around. Having come from the car parked on the grass in front of the ziggurat. The car, unseen by the audience because it is in the wings, could be metaphorical. Rosie sees Heidi, but again does not know her name to be so. However at the sight of this sight she feels compelled to start talking.

Rosie: One day an old woman baked a gingerbread man for her husband. Suddenly, she heard a voice from the oven. "Let me out! Let me out!" it said. She opened the door and the gingerbread man ran out. The old couple ran after him, shouting "Stop! We want to eat you!" But the gingerbread man ran away singing "Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!"

Heidi’s Mum: Here we are then, Norwich on a Sunday morning

Heidi: The first day of the rest of my life

Heidi’s Dad: Oh don’t be so melodramatic. Everyday is the first day of the rest of your life

Heidi: But it’s the first day of living on my own away from home

Heidi’s Mum: But it’s not like this is the last we will see of you. We will be up again in a few weeks. Hopefully you’ll come back down home one weekend and then there’s Christmas and Easter.

Heidi: It’s not the end of an era, just beginnings of a new one

Heidi’s Mum: Why is it that every new beginning has to start with a goodbye?

Heidi’s Dad: Are you sure you don’t us to help you move in?

Heidi: I’ll manage, you won’t be there to live my life for me. Got to start being independent someday

Heidi’s Mum: We’ll just carry your bags to your room for you

Heidi’s Dad: Heidi doesn’t want us getting in her way, cramping her style as they say. I know how embarrassing it can be to have your parents around.

Heidi: Oh, you have no idea dad

Heidi’s Mum: You’ll be careful though, won’t you? Don’t get too drunk. Eat properly, have you got those recipes I gave you? And if you’re ever ill then call us and go straight to the doctor’s

Heidi’s Dad: Unless you’re hungover in which case, drink plenty of water. Hangovers are simply caused by dehydration

Heidi’s Mum: If you are ever homesick or if there is an emergency we’re only ever a phone-call away. Promise me that you’ll phone me tomorrow and let me know how things are going

Heidi: Of course

Heidi’s Dad: Living independently from us, finding out who she is, it will be good for her. (To Emily) It will be the making of you.

Heidi’s Mum: But we’ll always be there for you, whenever you need us. You can always come home, if everything gets too much for you

Heidi: I’ll survive

Heidi’s Dad: You’ll thrive but before you go there is something I wanted to give you, something very important to me

Pause. Heidi’s Dad takes a packet of condoms reverently from his pocket and gives it to Heidi who quickly tries to hide them

Heidi: CONDOMS! You bought condoms for me. Put them away before someone sees! Only slags carry condoms

Heidi’s Dad: Yeh baby-less slags. Just put them in your bag, you can never be over protected

Heidi: Except from your parents, just go, go!

Nathan for the first time looks out the window to see if what Rosie is saying is actually happening.

Heidi’s Mum: Aw give me a hug. We’re really going to miss you, the house will be a lot emptier

Heidi’s Dad: An awful lot quieter

Heidi’s Mum: And I know we don’t say it enough but we are ever so proud of you. We love you.

Heidi and her Mum hug. Heidi’s Dad ruffles her hair before they depart, waving each other away, Heidi’s Dad shouts before turning out of view.

Heidi’s Dad: Goodbye and good luck.

A man hereby known as Lecherous Man, puts his arms around her from behind, Rosie turns to face him

Rosie: But the gingerbread man ran away singing "Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" A cow saw him and said "Stop! I want to eat you!" But the gingerbread man ran away even faster singing "Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" A fox saw him and said "Stop! I want to talk to you!" The gingerbread man ran on singing "Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!"

Lecherous Man: Is this going somewhere?

Rosie: But the fox chased him all the way to a river. The gingerbread man didn't know how to swim. "I can help you," said the cunning fox. "If you jump on my tail, I'll carry you across." The gingerbread man jumped on the fox's tail and the fox started to swim across the river. But the fox said "jump on my nose. You are too heavy for my tail." When they reached the river bank the fox tossed the gingerbread man high up into the air. Down he fell and the fox gobbled him all up! And that was the end of the gingerbread girl.

Lecherous Man: Gingerbread man, its Gingerbread man

Rosie: Not in the Stephen King version its not

Lecherous Man (kissing her neck): Come back to bed, I’ll make it worth your while

Lecherous Man tries undressing her, before Rosie shrugs him off

Rosie: I’m not made of gingerbread and you’re no fox. I think it’s time for you to leave.

Lecherous Man (looking around): Where are my clothes?

Rosie: I threw them out before you woke up, I wanted everyone to see you for what you are. Now run! Run! As fast as you can.

Lecherous Man: You insane bitch you’re fucking mental

Rosie: I only wish that were true

Lecherous Man leaves, angry

Act 1

Act 1

On an early Sunday morning in late September (sometime in the last three years) on a former 320 acre golf course turned university campus in a ziggurat called Suffolk Terrace in Norwich, Norfolk, England Rosie Whitehouse woke up. Whilst 1000 young people slept off the student experience that is, the inventively titled, “Icebreaker 1” another 1000 young people were wide-awake and travelling to Norwich to move into their new old accommodation.