Scene 3 - Suffolk Terrace Kitchen
Nathan stands at the head of the table which is placed centrally stage left. Valerie, Emmeline and Tom all sit around looking visibly hungover
Nathan: Right I’ve called this flat meeting because I have it on good authority that we have something of a party flat reputation to live up to this year.
Emmeline: You disturbed me for this? I thought we were meeting about something important
Nathan: This is important Emily
Emmeline: For the last time my name is not Emily! Emily is bland homogenous protoplasm of a name. My name is Emmeline, like Emmeline Pankhurst the women’s suffragette leader. Why are we even having a party anyway?
Tom: Because it was Valerie’s birthday a few weeks ago…
Nathan: …which we couldn’t celebrate because we only met (sings) *Valerie* yesterday
Valerie: And all the rest of you will get to celebrate your actual birthday’s here
Tom: And it would be a great way to get to know everyone in our block
Nathan: Why not invite the whole of Suffolk and Norfolk?
Rosie enters from upper stage left entrance, still in her nightwear, still with her hair ruffled
Rosie: Afternoon, what are you all doing in here?
Nathan: Having a flat meeting about having a party for (sings) *Valerie*
Valerie: Please stop singing my name! I’ve had to endure two years of it, have you any idea what it is like to hear the same joke over and over again?
Rosie: Why are we having a party for (sings)*Valerie*?
Emmeline: We are celebrating Valerie’s birthday retroactively. Whilst we’re at it why don’t we celebrate the 18 Christmases we all had before we met?
Rosie: Why didn’t you knock for me? I really don’t like being excluded
Nathan: I was scared to! The last guy that went into your room ran out in just his boxers
Tom: Yeh what was that all about?
Rosie: Doesn’t matter
Valerie: He was the guy you came back with last night though wasn’t he?
Tom: You hussy!
Rosie You’re all just jealous, because none of you are getting any
Emmeline: I am not jealous
Nathan: Excuse me but you weren’t the only one who had someone last night
Emmeline: I know I could hear the squelching coming from your room
Valerie: Left pretty quickly though, didn’t she? Didn’t even stay the night
Tom: You stud, how did I miss all this?
Rosie: What I don’t understand is both me and Nathan had someone round last night. When he sleeps around he is called a stud. I had someone round last night and I get called a slag, slut, hussy or whore or whatever it was. Why is that?
Nathan: Because it is the male prerogative to sleep around but it isn’t for women
Emmeline: WHAT?
Nathan: It’s our sole purpose in life! From the moment we hit puberty we are programmed to have as much sex as we can. We can’t help it, it’s in our DNA. Sex is our goal and women are our… footballs! That’s why it’s called scoring and why we love football so much, it mirrors what we really want in life. Whereas it is the female prerogative to find a virile man who will stay monogamous to her and the baby. That is the perpetual conflict of humanity and why men are studs and women are sluts.
Emmeline: You chauvinistic amoeba. Go back to the Stone Age and take your sexist ideas with you
Nathan: It’s not sexist, its biology
Valerie: Not on my course it isn’t
Rosie: So are you saying that you want to sleep with all of us?
Nathan: No, not consciously but if any of you threw yourselves at me…
Emmeline: In your perverted dreams
Valerie: Tom, you’re a man, according to Nathan you want to sleep with us, whether you can help it or not, is that true?
Tom: Maybe things are different in America but as attractive as you ladies are I don’t think I would
Rosie: And that makes you all the more attractive…
Valerie: You sound like my gay brother before he came out
Tom: Oh I’m not gay
Valerie: That’s exactly what he said…
Tom: But I’m not
Valerie: Repeatedly, over and over again, until one day he just snapped
Emmeline: Tom if you are gay do not let Nathan know otherwise he will probably burn you at the steak along with all infertile women
Valerie: You better not be homophobic because my brother is gay!
Nathan: I’m not homophobic, stop making a fool out of me Valerie!
Valerie: So you think it’s perfectly natural for some people to be gay?
Nathan: Well not natural as such…
Valerie: So you’re saying that my brother wasn’t born gay but that I made him that way?
Nathan: No!
Valerie: I suppose you think Graham Norton should be taken off television in-case he converts half of Britain
Nathan: No not Graham Norton, just the teletubbies
Emmeline: Teletubbies!?
Nathan: Yeh I think children are very susceptible and influenced easily to homosexuality. I think it’s wrong that Tinky-Winky, who is so obviously male with a name like that, carries a handbag
Emmeline: Hand-bags do not magically make men gay
Nathan: Ok not just teletubbies but so much of children’s TV. Sponge-Bob Square-pants for instance
Tom: You leave Sponge-Bob out of this!
Nathan: But he is so camp! Campest character ever! Even his best friend Patrick is big and pink, how obvious do you want them to make it that they’re a couple? And homosexual couples have always been in children’s TV. Bert and Ernie in Sesame Street share a bed. Sonic and Tales, why do you think Tales is always following Sonic around? And it explains why Sonic runs so fast, he’s trying to get away from Tales because he’s embarrassed that Tales is so effeminately gay. Sooty and Sweep are always horrible to Sue because she represents a matriarchal threat to their secret homosexual relationship. Mario and Luigi, I bet Mario is like can I have a look at your pipes Luigi?
Tom: I’m pretty sure Mario and Luigi were brothers, which is why it was called Super Mario Bros.
Nathan: Ok they were brothers but the other points are still valid and don’t say I’m making it up, I’m a media student I know about these things
Tom: Actually I hate to say it but I agree with Nathan, not about the stupid children’s TV thing but that gays are made and not born that way
Rosie: No you too Tom! But you’re clever
Valerie: Typical American
Emmeline: It is not surprising. He comes from the only country where a homophobic, anti-abortionist neo-conservative can get elected President, twice!
Tom: You leave George Bush out of this. What do you Brits have against him? You think America is such a backwards country just because we have morals. Well I’m sorry that in Britain you lost your morality and became so cynical. I’ve come to this country to get a different perspective on things, to broaden my horizons and all I get from you is this narrow minded, everything fully decided notion of bullshit. It’s just as bad as being at home, it’s just different bullshit.
Nathan: Politics is the root of all evil. Anyway moving back to something far more important, what are we going to do about this party?
Valerie: Yeh let’s do it, I get to celebrate my birthday twice, I’m like the Queen
Emmeline: I do not like the idea of a load of strangers coming round trashing our flat
Nathan: Where are we going to have it then?
Tom: By the lake? The lake looks nice
Nathan: Yeh we could have a Beach Themed Party by the lake
Emmeline: You pervert
Rosie: I’m up for it, I look great in a bikini
Valerie: Me too!
Tom: Me three, not in a bikini, I just like the idea of a beach party
Valerie: When are we going to have it?
Tom: Tuesday
Nathan: No-way, that’s the LCR night, I queued up for hours to get you all tickets
Tom: Wednesday?
Nathan: Ok
Valerie: How are we going to let everyone know though?
Rosie: Facebook event
Emmeline: What is facebook?
Everyone turns around and stares at Emmeline
Rosie: Where have you been living?
Valerie: I don’t know about anyone else but I’m only friends with you lot so far on facebook, a party of five isn’t much of a party
Nathan: Then we’ll put invitations under the doors of all the flats
Rosie: I’m not writing 50 invitations
Nathan: We only have to write one invitation and photocopy it 50 times in the library.
Nathan gets up to get a pen and paper before sitting down at the table and starts to write the invitation
Nathan (writing out-loud): Suffolk Block D, flat 4 invites you to a Beach party…
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