Act 2 Scene 3 (Probably) Pre-edit

The Norfolk Terrace characters are downstage left surrounded by strangers, all wearing long overcoats to hide their beach outfits underneath, except Emily, who is proudly displaying hers.

MARCUS - Emily, are you sure you don’t want to be wearing a coat?

EMILY - No, don’t be silly, I’ll only get hot.

MARCUS - But it’s the evening.

EMILY - Yeah, but it’s not a cold evening, is it? It’s stuffy.

GREG - It’s balmy, is what it is, it’s pretty balmy.

HEIDI - It is quite balmy.

EMILY - Anyway, there’s no shame in wearing a beach costume.

MARCUS - To a hypnotist’s show?

EMILY - Yeah. We’re all wearing beach costumes underneath our coats. The only difference is that I look like I’m wearing a beach costume and you guys all look like flashers.

GREG - That’s a point.

HEIDI - Look, why don’t we just go straight to the beach party? Do we really want to go and see this hypnotist guy?

GREG - Yeah, of course we do! We can show off! We can get up onstage and do fun things, it’ll be hilarious!

MARCUS - You can tell you’re a drama student, Greg.

GREG - What? I just don’t like to fade into the background.

MARCUS - I don’t like fading into the background either, I’m just a bit shy.

LAVINIA - I think we should all stay in tonight.

HEIDI - Stay in? How come?

LAVINIA - I’m very tired. I don’t want to go out every night this week.

EMILY - But it’s Freshers Week! That’s the whole point of Freshers Week! You meet people and try to remember their names…

GREG - And then get so wasted you forget them

LAVINIA - We should go back to the flat. I have Remains Of The Day on DVD with a blooper reel. I also have a Blu-Ray copy of Goodbye Lenin.

EMILY - Blu-Ray?

LAVINIA - Blu-Ray is good, is high definition.

EMILY - Yeah, but Goodbye Lenin? On Blu-Ray? Goodbye Lenin has a VHS-y vibe, hasn’t it? Blu-Ray is for things like Men In Black or Speed Racer.

GREG – I don’t think Lavinia actually knows what Blu-Ray means. I think she thinks it’s a kind of sports drink.

HEIDI: Now, come on, let’s just see this hypnotist show and we’ll go to the beach party afterwards.

GREG - Deffo. Greg Davenport’s gonna set the fresher community on fire with his generally great demeanour.

MARCUS - What if he makes you do something weird? He might make you get naked!

HEIDI - I wouldn’t mind that.

GREG - Easy, sugar. Judge, jury, then executioner.

EMILY - Oh my God, there was a fantastic hypnotist’s show in Costa Rica. Oh, the hypnotist was amazing, he made all the audience think they were his feet. We all went home feeling tired and tried to crawl inside the first sock we saw!

They take their seats down stage left amongst the rest of the audience, there are two other seats on the hypnotist’s “stage.” Up-stage left.

MARCUS - If he gets me up onstage, I’ll kill myself.

HEIDI - Shh, stop talking!

Mystical Andy, who stands to the side, introduces himself in an Announcers voice

ANDY: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage hypnotist extraordinaire, Mystical Andy Bates!

The audience applauds appreciatively as MYSTICAL ANDY BATES walks on, dressed in a smart black suit

ANDY: Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. As you just heard, my name is Mystical Andy Bates. I am a channeler, a channeler of the energy, the potential energy that lives in us all. Breathing, moving, living, energy. In all of us. I can tap into your mind and access the most intimate recesses of your brain.

MARCUS (Quietly, to the others) - That sounds awful!

MYSTICAL ANDY - And with my hand inside you thus, I manipulate you. I move you all between states of sleep and wakefulness as a gentle wave moves a beach between states of high tide and low tide.

HEIDI - Does that work? I don’t think that works.

MYSTICAL ANDY - Now before long, my wonderful, beautiful audience, I shall carry out a truly mesmerising act, I shall hypnotise two of you, to do exactly as I please. But first, as a taster, a demonstration of what hypnotism can do, I shall introduce my two assistants, who have already been hypnotised backstage.

GREG - Oh yeah, that’s likely. This guy’s transparent. He’s like John C. Reilly in Chicago.

MARCUS - What?

GREG - It’s a musical theatre joke. You wouldn’t get it.

MARCUS - I like music.

GREG - Do you like musical theatre?

MARCUS - No.

GREG - Then you wouldn’t get it.

(During this, ASSISTANT 1 and ASSISTANT 2 have come onstage. They could possibly be other students we have met already, not really sure. ANDY goes to talk to them)

ANDY - You first then, sir. How are you feeling?

ASSISTANT 1 - I feel extreme relaxation.

ANDY - Of course you do. And you, ma‘am?

ASSISTANT 2 - I feel he stole the words right out of my mouth.

ANDY - Ha! Well, just as well he didn’t steal your watch, eh? That’d be much worse!

(Awkward pause)

HEIDI (To the others) - Was that supposed to be a joke?

ANDY - Right, ok, let’s begin the show. My two assistants, when I snap my fingers, you two will think that you are both dogs, and you will crawl and bark accordingly, so help me God.

(He snaps his fingers, the two ASSISTANTS immediately begin pretending to be dogs, crawling around and barking)

ANDY - Yes, that’s it! You’re dogs! You’re filthy, gutter-dwelling mongrels! You’re wretched pups in the street, begging for a scrap of meat or a side of ham! Beg, doggy, beg! Roll over! Play dead! Sniff the other dog!

The ASSISTANTS have been doing exactly as ANDY has ordered them, to the humour and enjoyment of the audience. At this point, ANDY snaps his fingers and they return to normal, looking confused

ANDY - Of course, I always stop them before they actually sniff each others. That could get me sued. Anyway, let’s show our appreciation for my two assistants!

The audience claps as the two ASSISTANTS walk off. (Mysterious, hypnotic music begins

MYSTICAL ANDY - Pray silence now, as I begin to tap the latent energy within you all. I want you all to interlock your fingers and clench together hard. Listen to the sound of my voice, the rolling, roiling sound of my voice playing in your mind as the music washes over you. Wind. Trees. Water. Birds. Ice. Frost. Horses. Cats. Musicals. Dolphins.

EMILY - He’s just listing stuff. Is this all hypnotism is? I feel cheated.

LAVINIA - So he’s cheating the audience?

GREG - No more than regular theatre. It’s just a performance art.

MYSTICAL ANDY - Now, I shall walk among you as Christ walked among his disciples.

GREG - Bloody hell, that’s a bit strong isn’t it?

MYSTICAL ANDY walks over to HEIDI

MYSTICAL ANDY - You, young lady - can you unclench your hands?

HEIDI (Doing so) - Yeah, it’s easy.

MYSTICAL ANDY - Then you are no use to me. You will be a spectator, nothing more.

He turns to MARCUS

MYSTICAL ANDY - What about you, young man?

MARCUS - Well…I am definitely having some difficulty…but I don’t know whether that’s because I physically can’t do it, or because you’ve done something to my brain so that I don’t want to do it. What have you done to my brain, Andy?

Mystical Andy: - You over-think things. You are no use. (Turning to Greg) What about you?

GREG - You know what, I can’t move them at all.

MYSTICAL ANDY - Then go up on the stage, you will be our first star.

GREG gets up and wanders to the stage, sitting on the chair and quite obviously clasping and unclasping his hands. ANDY now goes to LAVINIA

ANDY - And what about you? Can you move your hands?

LAVINIA - They’re stuck fast.

ANDY - Then go and join your friend! The show will now begin.

GREG - Not Lavinia!

LAVINIA - Thank you, Mystical Andy. This is most exciting!

LAVINIA goes and sits on the other chair by GREG and smiles at him. ANDY joins them

ANDY - Ladies and gentlemen, I have already commenced the hypnotic process and all that remains to be done is to tap into their minds and use the trigger work - sleep!

GREG immediately falls asleep, LAVINIA looks confused

LAVINIA - I’m not sleepy.

GREG - Just play along, Lavinia.

LAVINIA - Oh, ok.

She falls asleep too. ANDY looks uncomfortable for a moment, then carries on

ANDY - Very well. Now, I’m going to try and get to know these two charming people. What’s your name, sir?

GREG (Hypnotic, trance-like) - Greg.

ANDY - Greg? That’s a rather old-fashioned name.

GREG (Still hypnotic) - Fuck off, Mystical Andy.

ANDY - Sorry. That was rude of me, I apologise. In fact I know a Greg, a friend of my son, young Master Bates.

GREG laughs loudly

ANDY - What’s funny?

GREG - Sorry. I just have a really puerile sense of humour. What’s his real name?

ANDY - And sleep!

ANDY - And what’s your name, young lady?

LAVINIA (Hypnotic) - Lavinia.

ANDY - Are you a friend of Greg’s?

LAVINIA - Yes. But a lot of the time he’s very mean to me.

ANDY - And why do you think Greg is mean to you?

LAVINIA - Well, I like art house films like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon whilst he likes the Matrix. And he’s always making jokes about how I’m from eastern Europe.

GREG (Still trance-like) - I just have a slightly xenophobic sense of humour.

ANDY - Alright then, well perhaps we’ll see if by the end of the evening you two haven’t gotten a little closer.

ANDY - What do you say, everyone? Shall we make them get married?

The audience cheers enthusiastically

ANDY - Ok, then, let’s do a wedding ceremony.

GREG is visibly concerned about this, appeals to ANDY

GREG - What do you mean a wedding? Like an actual wedding? An actual, legally binding wedding?

ANDY (Playfully) - Is there any other kind of wedding?

GREG - Anyway, you wouldn’t let us kiss. You’d stop us, wouldn’t you? Like with the whole dog thing. You’d stop us.

ANDY - I stopped the dog guys because it would’ve been disgusting. Nothing disgusting about a nice kiss.

GREG - With her there is. I’m not kissing her.

ANDY - I think you should take a seat, Greg. Let’s talk this through.

GREG - What? No. What?

LAVINIA stands up to allow ANDY access to a seat, which he straddles

GREG - Don’t you dare straddle that seat! Don’t you dare sit in a position of superior authority to me! I paid good money for this!

ANDY - Why don’t you want me to straddle the seat, Greg?

GREG - Right, I’m just gonna straddle mine then. If that’s how you want it, that’s how we’ll play it.

He gets up, turns his seat round and stares at it

GREG - I can’t do it! I can’t straddle the seat! What have you done to my brain? Damn you and your subtly effective techniques!

He sits on the chair normally

ANDY - Now, Greg. It seems you have a few anger issues, particularly directed towards your friend Lavinia here. Would that be true?

GREG - No. Maybe. Who cares?

ANDY - Lavinia seems to me to be a very intelligent and lovely girl. Why do you hate her so much?

GREG - Phrased like that, it’s very difficult to think of a good reason actually.

ANDY - Come on, Greg. Why don’t you and Lavinia kiss and make up? It’ll be fun!

GREG - Actually…why the hell not? Yeah, ok. Yeah, let’s do this.

LAVINIA - Actually, I’m not so sure. You’re not really my type, Greg.

GREG (Becoming frantic) - As if. I’m the man of your dreams, Lavinia, you just don’t know it yet. Wow, I’ve changed my tune, haven’t I? Is that you that did that?

ANDY - They don’t call me mystical for nothing.

GREG - Well, they don’t call you mystical do they? That’s what you call yourself.

ANDY - You’re a very difficult person.

GREG - I know.