Freshers

FRESHERS
Written by Alan J. Stratford with Andi Michael, Kirsten Peter and Hazy Hale

SCENE 1A – Somewhere on campus
Lighting Cue: House Lights down, white wash on raised stage

(VALERIE is on the raised stage wearing one shoe, looking slightly drunk. MARCUS enters, sober, from up-stage, laden with baggage and looking lost. They see each other look bemused, circle around each other before MARCUS eventually goes down the stage right steps as VALERIE very slowly ambles to the stage left steps where she sits down)

Scene 1B – Suffolk Terrace Kitchen
LC: Stage Left, dim white wash

(NATHAN is asleep, still dressed from the night before sitting behind the kitchen table which is placed centre left. The stage left door then opens and clothes are thrown out of the stage left door followed by a man in his boxers called OWEN)

ROSIE (off-stage): You pervert! You twisted perverted pervert!

(NATHAN, hearing the noise wakes up)

NATHAN: I swear I didn’t have my hand down my pants

(NATHAN sees OWEN in his boxers, collecting up his clothes)

NATHAN: Hello pervert

(ROSIE follows in a state of undress, still shouting at the man)

ROSIE: You’re sick, get out!

OWEN: What?

ROSIE: Just go!

OWEN: Can’t I get changed first?

ROSIE: GO!

(OWEN runs out of the house up the stairs, across the raised stage and down the up-centre stage exit)

NATHAN: Night go well then Rosie?

ROSIE: At least I didn’t end up sleeping in the kitchen like you Nathan

NATHAN: I have no idea

ROSIE: Where did that girl go that who you got off with?

NATHAN: Again, no idea all that I know is that in her place I’ve got a headache the size of Yorkshire

(TOM, fully dressed and wide awake, comes from the stage left door)

TOM: Nathan, Rosie! Guys can you keep the noise down! Some people are trying to sleep

NATHAN: Tom why do you sleep fully dressed?

TOM: I don’t. Haven’t been to bed yet, I’ve been too worried to sleep

ROSIE: What’s up?

TOM: Valerie didn’t come home last night

ROSIE: So?

TOM: So? She could be anywhere! I’ve been up half the night looking for her! What if something has happened to her?

NATHAN: Which one’s Valerie again? I’m not good with names

TOM: Aren’t you concerned? She hasn’t been answering her phone, what if she’s dead?

ROSIE: She probably got lucky that’s all

(VALERIE coming back from night before, still slightly drunk, wearing only one shoe, the other one lost)

NATHAN: See? Here she is now, doing the walk of shame. You are Valerie aren’t you?

VALERIE: What are you all doing up so early?

TOM: I was up looking for you!

VALERIE: Well you weren’t going to find me looking in here

TOM: You’re here now!

VALERIE: Now, but before that I was out there somewhere

TOM: That’s why I was looking for you because you didn’t come back from being out last night

VALERIE: Wasn’t a very extensive search then, was it? Did you look everywhere? Or did you mainly look about here in the kitchen area?

TOM: I looked everywhere! I was down by the lake with a flashlight. Where have you been all night?

VALERIE: I don’t know! If I knew where I was I wouldn’t have been lost in the first place, would I?

TOM: How did you even lose us last night? We waited outside the LCR for like 20 minutes

VALERIE: I went looking for… oh it doesn’t matter but does anyone know where there was a boy running from here in his boxers a few minutes ago?

NATHAN: Rosie happened

TOM: Come on everyone, it’s getting early, time to get some sleep, don’t want to still be up at midday

ROSIE: Agreed, anyone have any bed sheets I can borrow?

NATHAN: You can share my bed if you like

ROSIE: Nathan you’re shameless, I’m not getting with you, you can’t even remember where you’re last conquest got to

LC: Blackout

Scene 2A - Norfolk Terrace Kitchen
LC: Stage Right Bright White Wash

(The Norfolk Terrace Kitchen, looking exactly like the Suffolk one except everything is reversed and there is a kettle on the table. HEIDI and her parents MUM and DAD enter the kitchen from up-stage right. HEIDI enters with a kitchen bag of cooking utensils and a kettle)

MUM: So this must be your kitchen

DAD: Where you cook, or in your case Heidi attempt to

HEIDI: I can cook

DAD: And by cooking I don’t mean bunging something in the microwave

MUM: She’ll be fine, we bought her a cookbook

DAD: I suppose she could do with losing some weight, especially in such a small kitchen

MUM: It’s not small just compact. Compact and efficient, bit like Heidi herself

DAD: The only thing smaller than the kitchen are the showers, I can’t believe twelve of you have to share them

MUM: They don’t all use them all at the same time. No-one takes communal showers anymore

DAD: Good thing and all. Is it me or did this all look a lot cleaner on the open day? I suppose it’s too late to change your accommodation now

MUM: Aw but look at the view of the lake Richard, isn’t it beautiful?

(MUM and DAD look out into the audience where the kitchen window is)

DAD: Is that a half naked boy running about out there?

MUM: Richard avert your eyes!

HEIDI: Anyway, time to say goodbye

DAD: I get the impression we are no longer welcome

MUM: You’ll be careful though, won’t you? Don’t get too drunk. And if you’re ever ill then call us and go straight to the doctor’s. Unless you’re simply hungover in which case, drink plenty of water. Hangovers are simply caused by dehydration. If you are ever homesick or if there is an emergency we’re only ever a phone-call away. Promise me that you’ll phone me tomorrow and let me know how things are going we’ll always be there for you, whenever you need us. You can always come home, if everything gets too much for you

HEIDI: I know all that, you’ve told me a thousand times, don’t worry I’ll be fine. I suppose all that is left to say is thanks for bringing me up…

(Pause, MUM in complete shock)

MUM: You realise we’re not abandoning you here? We’re not forsaking you forevermore just because you’ve arrived at university

HEIDI: Bringing me up to Norwich I meant, not that I’m not thankful for you bringing me up but that wasn’t what I meant to imply

DAD: In all these years that’s the first time I’ve heard you say those words “thanks for bringing me up” and you still didn’t mean it

HEIDI: Oh don’t start

MUM: We’ll always be happy to see you, come home next weekend if you so wish. We’ll see you again you know, unless you’re forsaking us

DAD: She can’t afford to forsake us with what we are forking out for her education. Talking of forking out there is something I wanted to give you, something very important

HEIDI: You shouldn’t have, you didn’t need to get me anything

(DAD takes a large packet of condoms reverently from his pocket and gives it to Heidi who quickly tries to hide them in her handbag)

DAD: Condoms

HEIDI: CONDOMS! You bought me condoms! For God’s sake put them away before someone sees! Don’t want people getting the wrong impression of me

DAD: Just put them in your bag, you can never be over protected

HEIDI: Except from your parents, just go, go!

DAD: Remember you’re studying here for a Bachelor of Arts, not to end up pregnant to one

MUM: Alright Richard, don’t lecture the girl on the first day of the rest of her life

DAD: Oh don’t be so melodramatic Deirdre

HEIDI: As Dad always says, everyday is the first day of the rest of your life

MUM: Why is it that every new beginning starts with a goodbye? Aw give me a hug. We’re really going to miss you, the house will be a lot emptier

DAD: An awful lot quieter

MUM: My daughter the university student, if only my old mum was still with us. She’d have been so proud to see you standing here today starting your life afresh and I know we don’t say it enough but we are ever so proud of you too. We love you.

(MUM and HEIDI hug)

DAD: Goodbye

MUM: Bye!

LC: Fade to blackout

Scene 2B – Ziggurat Field
LC: Fade to bright whitewash

(GEORGINA, KEVIN, ASH and KATY enter from up stage centre onto the raised stage)

ASH: Can’t believe we’re doing this again after yesterday, my back is killing me

KEVIN: Helping move people into Norfolk Terrace, I remember when it was us being moved into here. Not knowing what to do, having to be helped out with everything

GEORGINA: Shame we haven’t got a TARDIS, we could go back, do it all over again

KEVIN: That’s kind of why I help out now, another chance to experience it all again and you know, just so that the freshers who come here now feel just as welcome as I did when I first came here

ASH: I do it for the £7 an hour

GEORGINA: That’s really sweet

ASH: No it’s not

GEORGINA: I meant Kevin’s story

ASH: Yeh so did I. I find these days depressing, makes you realise that the best days of your life are behind you

GEORGINA: So Kevin you lived in Norfolk Terrace? Must have been the same time as me

KEVIN: Yeh, it was. I even remember you, you lived in block B and I was in block A

GEORGINA: Remember anything else about me?

KEVIN: There was one night, must have been in the first week. Middle of the night, all the fire-alarms went off, no-one knew where to go and you were standing there in the middle of the chaos completely drunk in a cowgirl costume, glittery hat, denim skirt trying to persuade everyone to jump in the lake with you.

GEORGINA: Oh my God, I did as well!

KEVIN: I know, half of Norfolk came down to watch
GEORGINA: Yeh, the male half! I got totally drenched. Lost my top in the lake in-front of several hundred pervy strangers

KEVIN: Missed that bit, unfortunately. I went back to the flat to get you a towel

GEORGINA: You got me that towel?! Aw thank you so much, I still have it somewhere

KEVIN: Maybe you could return it to me one day

ASHLEY: Talking about nudity does anyone here know why there was a naked man running across the fields earlier?

KEVIN: There was a naked man running across the fields?

KATY: Typical, there’s a naked man running about and I didn’t see him

GEORGINA: Trust me, you weren’t missing much, you needed binoculars to see him

ASH: He wasn’t that far away

GEORGINA: I wasn’t talking about how far away he was

ASH: Looked a bit like my mate Owen

KEVIN: Owen Jones?

ASH: Yeh, how do you know him?

KATY: Owen! Oh everyone knows Owen

(EMILY enters laden with luggage)

KEVIN: Can we help you with your luggage?

EMILY: Yeh thanks, shouldn’t have brought so much with me

KATY: Where are you moving into?

EMILY: Norfolk Terrace

GEORGINA: Where we used to live. It was only two years ago today, feels like yesterday and yet so much has changed since. Time races away at uni

KEVIN: It’s still so vivid, I was so nervous as I walked up to the flat, just like you are now

GEORGINA: Oh the worse bit is by far is when you’ve unpacked and you’re all own your own for the first time without your parents or any friends

KATY: Actually the worst part is walking into the kitchen for the first time and seeing a load of strangers staring back at you knowing you have to live with them for a year

ASH: I don’t remember anything from that first week

EMILY: Ok if I wasn’t nervous before I came here I certainly am now

KATY: Don’t be! Everyone who stays for the three years here loves it

EMILY: What about the ones that don’t stay?

ASH: Well they obviously don’t

HEIDI: You must all like it then. What’s it like?

KEVIN: It’s like nothing else you’ve ever experienced before. No two days will be the same. Your weekdays will be like your weekends, you’ll be going to bed at dawn and waking up at dusk. Random becomes normal and you’ll never want to go back to how it was before

ASH: We’d better be getting back now in-case anyone else comes. Do you get it? (Holding up case) In-case

EMILY: Wait before you go, have you got any last minute advice for surviving university?

ASH: Not really, no

KEVIN: Well just sort of be, kind of enthusiastic, throw yourself into everything and get involved with as much as possible

KATY: What else? Wear the most ludicrously themed-costumes to the LCR

GEORGINA: Chase the rabbits. Jump in the lake

KEVIN: …Say hello to everyone because anyone could change your life

KATY: …Meet a hundred strangers, then add them all on facebook

ASH: ...but don't decide straight away whether any of them will be your friend for life

GEORGINA: …Always say yes, you never know where it will take you

ASH: Never ever fall for your flatmates

KATY: Take too many pictures

GEORGINA: …and embrace every second of it…

ASH: …because it is over all too soon

GEORGINA: And most importantly you’re moving into Norfolk Block A flat 4. Well I tell you something, that particular flat was a massive party flat last year, legendary it was, so you have a massive reputation to live up to

KEVIN: Don’t listen to her. She said that to everyone who moved into Suffolk yesterday

GEORGINA: Don’t spoil my fun, I nearly convinced a few impressionable freshers yesterday

(They all walk off down the stage right steps with EMILY’s bags)

LC: 3 second cross-fade blackout/lights-up

Scene 3A - Suffolk Terrace Kitchen

(Late afternoon in the Suffolk Terrace Kitchen, NATHAN stands at the head of the table which is placed centrally stage left. VALERIE, EMMELINE and TOM sit around it)

NATHAN: Right I’ve called this flat meeting because I have it on good authority that we have something of a party flat reputation to live up to this year.

EMMELINE: You disturbed me for this? There are better things I can be doing with my early evenings. I thought we were meeting about something important

NATHAN: This is important Emily

EMMELINE: For the last time my name is not Emily! Emily is bland homogenous protoplasm of a name. My name is Emmeline, like Emmeline Pankhurst the women’s suffragette leader. Why are we even having a party anyway?

TOM: Because it was Valerie’s birthday a few weeks ago…

NATHAN: …which we couldn’t celebrate because we only met (sings) *Valerie* yesterday

VALERIE: And all the rest of you will get to celebrate your actual birthday’s here

TOM: And it would be a great way to get to know everyone in our block

NATHAN: Why not invite the whole of Suffolk and Norfolk?

(ROSIE enters from upper stage left entrance, still in her nightwear, still with her hair ruffled)

ROSIE: Evening, what are you all doing up so early?

NATHAN: Having a flat meeting about having a party for (sings) *Valerie*

VALERIE: Please stop singing my name! I’ve had to endure two years of it, have you any idea what it is like to hear the same joke over and over again?

ROSIE: Why are we having a party for (sings) *Valerie*?

EMMELINE: We are celebrating Valerie’s birthday retroactively. Whilst we’re at it why don’t we celebrate the 18 Christmases we all had before we met?

ROSIE: Why didn’t you knock for me? I really don’t like being excluded

NATHAN: I was scared to! The last guy that went into your room ran out in his boxers

TOM: Yeh what was that all about?

ROSIE: Doesn’t matter

VALERIE: He was the guy you came back with last night though wasn’t he?

TOM: You hussy!

ROSIE: You’re all just jealous, because none of you are getting any

EMMELINE: I am not jealous. I heard the squelching coming from your room it was disgusting

NATHAN: Excuse me but you weren’t the only one who had someone last night

ROSIE: I don’t think getting with someone, losing them, falling asleep in the kitchen and then forgetting what happened really counts

TOM: Well Nathan is still more of a stud than me

ROSIE: What I don’t understand is both me and Nathan had someone round last night. When he pulls he is called a stud. I had someone round last night and I get called a slag, slut, hussy or whore or whatever it was. Why is that?

NATHAN: Because it is the male prerogative to sleep around but it isn’t for women

EMMELINE: WHAT?

NATHAN: It’s our sole purpose in life! From the moment we hit puberty we are programmed to have as much sex as we can. We can’t help it, it’s in our DNA. Sex is our goal and women are our… footballs! That’s why it’s called scoring and why we love football so much, it mirrors what we really want in life. Whereas all women have to do is it is find a virile man who will stay monogamous to her and the baby. That is the constant conflict of humanity and why men are studs and women are sluts.

EMMELINE: You chauvinistic amoeba. Go back to the Stone Age and take your sexist ideas with you

NATHAN: It’s not sexist, its biology

VALERIE: Not on my course it isn’t

ROSIE: So are you saying that you want to sleep with all of us?

NATHAN: No, not consciously but if any of you threw yourselves at me…

EMMELINE: In your perverted dreams

VALERIE: Tom, you’re a man, according to Nathan you want to sleep with us, whether you can help it or not, is that true?

TOM: Maybe things are different in America but as attractive as you ladies are I don’t think I would

ROSIE: And that makes you all the more attractive…

VALERIE (to Tom): You sound like my gay brother before he came out

TOM: Oh I’m not gay

VALERIE: That’s what he said…

TOM: But I’m not

VALERIE: Repeatedly, over and over again, until one day he just snapped

EMMELINE: Tom if you are gay then do not let Nathan know otherwise he will probably burn you at the steak along with all infertile women

VALERIE: You better not be homophobic because my brother is gay!

NATHAN: I’m not homophobic, stop making a fool out of me Valerie!

VALERIE: So you think it’s perfectly natural for some people to be gay?

NATHAN: Well not natural as such…

VALERIE: So you’re saying that my brother wasn’t born gay but that I somehow made him that way?

NATHAN: No! Not at all! Not you

VALERIE: I suppose you think Graham Norton should be taken off television in-case he converts half of Britain

NATHAN: No not Graham Norton, just the teletubbies

EMMELINE: Teletubbies!?

NATHAN: Yeh I think children are very susceptible and influenced easily to homosexuality. I think it’s wrong that Tinky-Winky, who is so obviously male with a name like that, carries a handbag

EMMELINE: Hand-bags do not magically make men gay

NATHAN: Ok not just teletubbies but so much of children’s TV. Sponge-Bob Square-pants for instance

TOM: You leave Sponge-Bob out of this!

NATHAN: But he is so camp! Campest character ever! Even his best friend Patrick is big and pink, how obvious do you want them to make it that they’re a couple? And homosexual couples have always been in children’s TV. Bert and Ernie in Sesame Street share a bed. Sonic and Tales, why do you think Tales is always following Sonic around? And it explains why Sonic runs so fast, he’s trying to get away from Tales because he’s embarrassed that Tales is so effeminately gay. Sooty and Sweep are always horrible to Sue because she represents a matriarchal threat to their secret homosexual relationship. Mario and Luigi, I bet Mario is like can I have a look at your pipes Luigi?

TOM: I’m pretty sure Mario and Luigi were brothers, which is why it was called Super Mario Bros.

NATHAN: Ok they were brothers but the other points are still valid and don’t say I’m making it up, I’m a media student I know about these things

TOM: Actually I hate to say it but I agree with Nathan… not about the stupid children’s TV thing but that homosexuals are made and not born that way

VALERIE: Not you too Tom! But you’re clever

EMMELINE: Typical American. It is not surprising. He comes from the only country in the world where a homophobic, anti-abortionist neo-conservative can get elected President, twice!

TOM: You leave George Bush out of this. What do you Brits have against him? You think America is such a backwards country just because we have morals. Well I’m sorry that in Britain you lost your morality and became so cynical. I’ve come to this country to get a different perspective on things, to broaden my horizons and all I get from you is this narrow minded, everything-fully-decided notion of bullshit. It’s just as bad as being at home, it’s just different bullshit.

NATHAN: Politics is the root of all evil. Anyway moving back to something far more important, what are we going to do about this party?

VALERIE: Yeh let’s do it, I get to celebrate my birthday twice, I’d be like the Queen

EMMELINE: I do not like the idea of a load of strangers coming round making our flat dirty

NATHAN: I do

VALERIE: Can I have a themed birthday party?

NATHAN: Yeh we could have a Beach themed party and we could always move everyone down to the lake for some skinny dipping

VALERIE: A beach party! That’s so appropriate; me and my fiancé Mark went to a beach on our first holiday

EMMELINE: You are pervert Nathan

ROSIE: I’m up for it, I look great in a bikini

VALERIE: Me too!

TOM: Me three, not in a bikini, I just like the idea of a beach party

TOM: When are we going to have it?

VALERIE: Tuesday

NATHAN: No-way, that’s LCR Emergency Services night, I queued up for hours to get you all tickets. Any chance of moving your birthday back a day Valerie?

VALERIE: Sure. It’s a fake birthday, it can be whenever is convenient

NATHAN: Ok

VALERIE: How are we going to let everyone know though?

ROSIE: Facebook event

EMMELINE: What is facebook?

(Everyone turns around and stares at EMMELINE)

ROSIE: Where have you been?

VALERIE: I don’t know about anyone else but I’m only friends with you lot so far on facebook, a party of five isn’t much of a party

NATHAN: Then we’ll put invitations under the doors of all the flats

(NATHAN gets up to get a pen and paper before sitting down at the table and starts to write the invitation)

NATHAN (writing out-loud): Suffolk Block D, flat 4 invites you to a Beach party…

LC: 3 second cross-fade blackout/lights-up between stage left and stage right

Scene 3B – Norfolk Terrace Kitchen

(HEIDI is sat at the kitchen table looking around, not knowing what to do when LAVINIA enters reading out-loud to herself)

LAVINIA (reading): …on Wednesday night, everyone is welcome round our flat, Suffolk Terrace Block D, flat 4 around 8. Remember the theme is beach wear so girls, come in bikinis and swimming costumes and guys in long shorts and Hawaiian t-shirts… ok costume is optional, as is skinny dipping in the lake afterwards (stops reading) hmn, what is skinny dipping?

(HEIDI makes herself known)

HEIDI: You don’t want to know

(LAVINIA is startled by the stranger)

LAVINIA: Hello, sorry I thought I was alone on my own

HEIDI: Hello, not to worry I do it all the time, well I read out loud in my head

LAVINIA: I only read out loud to improve my (struggling) pronoun… pronoun action, pro-nun citation…

HEIDI: Pronunciation?

LAVINIA: Pronunciation, how embarrassing, you never get a second chance to make a first impression according to a television advertisement

HEIDI: Really, it’s fine I’m Heidi by the way, what’s your name?

LAVINIA: My name is Lavinia Szirtes

HEIDI: Lavinia is a lovely name

LAVINIA: Thank you

(HEIDI picks up her kettle to show Lavinia the similarities between that and the one on the table)

HEIDI: Oh I see you’ve already brought a kettle. Snap.

LAVINIA: The kettle is irrelevant

HEIDI: What if someone wants a cup of tea? Does it become relevant then?

LAVINIA: No because there is a hot water machine in the corner

HEIDI: Ah right, I understand. So I take we’re the first two here then?

LAVINIA: No you are third

HEIDI: I’m in third? Story of my life, how early did you get here then? Dawn?

LAVINIA: Wednesday

HEIDI: Wednesday, right, so with an accent like that where do you come from?

LAVINIA: From my room, down the corridor

(GREG enters from up-stage right not seeing HEIDI straight away)

GREG: Hello Livi, how are you today? And who are you?

HEIDI: Hi, I’m Heidi

GREG: Hi, Heidi I’m Greg. At last, new people! I’ve been waiting here since Wednesday for someone to arrive

HEIDI: We were supposed to be moving in today weren’t we?

GREG: Well yeh everyone else was supposed to but I do drama and our induction began a few days ago

HEIDI: So I’m living with a drama student, I loved doing drama, used to be in every school production, in fact I nearly did drama but… well, I didn’t

GREG: Any particular reason?

HEIDI: English is just a more, well you know it’s a more sort of…

GREG: Go on…

HEIDI: …Relevant degree, in the outside world I mean

GREG: You sound like my parents, they wanted me to do English

HEIDI: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too. I make a terrible first impression

LAVINIA: As with me, I was reading aloud to myself not realising Heidi was here earlier

GREG: Nothing wrong with reading aloud, I’m doing a degree in reading aloud. Ah I see you brought a kettle too then Heidi

HEIDI: Yeh but as Lavinia says, it is irrelevant now

GREG: Yeh I also have an irrelevant toaster to go with my irrelevant kettle and my irrelevant degree

HEIDI: I didn’t mean to say your degree was irrelevant

GREG: You just meant to think it, not say it aloud

HEIDI: I really should think before I speak… but I suppose that’s why you’re doing a degree which involves reading aloud and my degree involves reading… silently. English students should only ever communicate in writing

GREG: Talking about reading aloud, what time is it? (Looks at his watch) I’m late, got to go

HEIDI: Late for what?

GREG: I’m performing this short performance piece about a drunken girl who ends up with the powers of a God, I play God! Right really got to go. Heidi keep practicing that thinking aloud thing, I think I can see your next victim coming down the corridor as we speak. I’ll see you lovely ladies later. Bye!

(GREG walks up the stairs and off upstage)

HEIDI: So that’s Greg, he’s cute

LAVINIA: Acute, as in small?

HEIDI: No cute as in sweet

LAVINIA: Sweet like sugar?

HEIDI: No not that kind of sweet. So what do you think this other person will be like?

LAVINIA: I think they will be quiet because I did not hear them make a noise

HEIDI: True. Hope we get another hot guy

(LAVINIA sees MARCUS enter)

LAVINIA: Hot guy?

MARCUS (nervous): Hello

HEIDI: Hi, I’m Heidi, I’m sorry, it doesn’t matter what you look like, not that you are bad looking or anything

MARCUS: Well hello, damn I’ve said hello twice now, well three times including that time

HEIDI: What’s your name?

MARCUS: Marcus, I’m Marcus, that’s the first thing I should have said after hello, instead of following hello with another hello

LAVINIA: Hello, I am Lavinia

HEIDI: Relax Marcus, we are all terrible at making first impressions, you’ll fit right in. So what course are you on?

MARCUS: Just music, nothing special

HEIDI: So you’re a quiet music student, there must be an irony there somewhere and I’m just doing straight English. Oh Lavinia I never asked, what are you studying?

LAVINIA: A master’s degree in Mathematics

HEIDI: You must be very intelligent

LAVINIA: Yes

MARCUS: Why are there two kettles on the table?

HEIDI: Forget about them, they are irrelevant

MARCUS: I see you have a bottle of Holy Ketchup too

HEIDI: Holy Ketchup? Oh yeh from Christian Soc

MARCUS: Shame I’ve got nothing to put it on, haven’t been to the supermarket yet

HEIDI: Do you not have any parents Marcus? I mean you probably have parents but are they not here?

MARCUS: No I came here on my own

(LAVINIA begins to say “cookie” a bit like “quickie”)

LAVINIA: I am sorry to hear that Marcus, it was the same for me. To make you happy do you want a cookie with me?

MARCUS: Excuse me?

LAVINIA: A cookie

MARCUS: A quickie? Well not really, that’s not my sort of thing. Very upfront aren’t you?

LAVINIA: It’s only a cookie, a quickie I mean to say

(LAVINIA picks up the cookie)

MARCUS: Only a quickie! Only a quickie!?

HEIDI: Marcus! Marcus she means do you want a cookie? Just a cookie not nookie! Lavinia here sometimes mispronounces her pronoun citations

MARCUS: Oh thank God, not that I don’t want nookie, I’m just relieved that you weren’t asking me right now up front. I think I’m going to have to have a beer. I’m sorry, I always get nervous around strangers. As if living on my own for the first time wasn’t bad enough I’m living with them

HEIDI: Them?

MARCUS: Strangers

HEIDI: I hope we’re not strangers. Strangers are just friends you haven’t got to know yet and the great thing about it is that you can make friends without ever having to leave the flat

MARCUS: Do you think cookies and beer go together?

HEIDI: No but I think you should do it

MARCUS: Why?

HEIDI: University is all about trying new things

(MARCUS takes a sip of beer and then a bite of the cookie. EMILY enters having just seen MARCUS having done it)

EMILY: Cookies and beer how queer. Have I just walked in on an alcoholic’s anonymous meeting? If so ‘my name’s Emily…’

HEIDI: ‘…And I have a problem’

(Nervous laughs)

MARCUS (extends a hand): Marcus

HEIDI: I’m Heidi

LAVINIA: I am Lavinia

(Silence. EMILY looks around, hoping for conversation, whilst the others preoccupy themselves with useless, nervous activities)

EMILY: So I see you’ve got beer here

MARCUS: Oh do you want some?

EMILY: That’d be fantastic. So, what’s everyone studying?

(HEIDI mock-cries on the table)

LAVINIA: We have just finished discussing this! It is no matter. I am studying the Maths. Yourself?

EMILY: Environmental Science.

HEIDI: Oh, I heard it’s good for that here!

EMILY: Yeah, lots of environment…

LAVINIA: Yeah. Does that mean you want to be a naturist?

(MARCUS snorts into his beer)

EMILY: I think you mean naturalist. A naturist is a nudist…

HEIDI: That explains why I’ve never seen any waterfowl at those beaches…

EMILY (genuinely excited): Wow, you’re interested in water birds? Have you ever seen a Tufted Duck? Once I went to Costa Rica…

HEIDI: Er… no.

LAVINIA: What is this ‘tufted duck’? I can to make duck a l’orange.

(HEIDI, EMILY and MARCUS laugh. Lavinia looks miffed)

HEIDI: Maybe you should be doing Environmental Science, too.

(Silence, everyone drinks again)

LAVINIA: Are you liking the flat… Emily?

EMILY: No, too small and concrete-y for me

MARCUS: Yeh gives me nightmares about a Clockwork Orange

EMILY: And what about the tiny beds? They don’t even fit a normal single sheet, what about… sleepovers?

HEIDI: I don’t like the showers

LAVINIA: Why? The showers are so spacious

HEIDI: Yeh but they’re only three of them! I wanted an en suite…

LAVINIA: I like it here very much. My room is good for the study, and the view of the lake, it is beautiful!

(LAVINIA looks out the window, again into the audience, wistfully)

EMILY: We should have a bonfire by the lake one day. We could sing songs and make our own food

HEIDI: Is anyone else a bit worried about looking after themselves, like… cooking?

LAVINIA: I have cooked since I was old enough to eat

MARCUS: Haven’t you ever cooked anything before?

HEIDI: Erm… well, I made a pot noodle once. But I scalded myself.

LAVINIA: What is a pot noodle?

HEIDI: Well, it is a plastic pot that has within it-

EMILY: I think it’s best that you don’t know.

HEIDI: So what uni’s did everyone else apply to?

MARCUS: Loughborough, Newcastle, Warwick

HEIDI: I got rejected from Warwick

EMILY: Everyone I know got rejected from Warwick. I think you have to join some sort of secret sect where you offer your soul to the devil in return for an offer

MARCUS: Only Oxbridge rejects get into Warwick

EMILY: And a lot of people with double-barreled names

HEIDI: What was everyone’s back-up choice?

MARCUS: Kent

HEIDI: Kent

(Pause)

LAVINIA: Kent

HEIDI: What was yours then Emily?

EMILY: Portsmouth… but Kent would have been my back-up course if they’d have done Environmental Studies

HEIDI: So what great getting-to-know-you outing shall we embark on this evening?

MARCUS: Wait, there’s still someone still to come…

HEIDI: Oh yeah. I wonder why he’s not here yet. Maybe he’s a hermit…

EMILY (Irritated): Why do you just assume it’s a ‘he’? Because generic people are always ‘he’s? Because women are only the sidekicks?

HEIDI: Well, that and he’s called Greg

EMILY: Greg? (Pauses, embarrassed) Oh. Well. Good. Puts a name to a face

HEIDI: You haven’t seen his face

EMILY: Be that as it may…

(CONNOR and FLORA enter racing down the stairs)

CONNOR: Don’t look now, but our RT approaches…

HEIDI: Er… What?

CONNOR: The Resident Tutor, he’s a right little ar-

(SMITH the Resident Tutor, enters down the stairs)

SMITH (pompously): Hello, first years

(CONNOR looks as if he wants to weep. The other flatmates look at each other, sharing an ‘is-this-guy-for-real?’ moment. SMITH stands at the head of the table, papers in hand)

SMITH (monotonously): My name is Keith Smith, and I’m your Resident Tutor. This means I live in this block, and I will be making sure that none of you get into too much trouble. (He eyes the beer) Now I am not a surrogate parent but if you do anything which breaks the rules then I will have no choice but to intervene. So as far as you are concerned the less you see of me the better it is for you but I will be about in the flat as I live in the room down the bottom of the corridor. I also liase between the cleaning staff and yourselves to avoid any situations which may or may not arise. Now, you’ll each have a fire safety notice in your room. You should read these, just in case. Furthermore…

LC: 2 second fade to blackout

Scene 3C – Suffolk Terrace Kitchen
LC: Stage Right 2 second fade-up

(The flatmates all have their going out clothes on and are around the table playing drinking games. Emmeline is not amused.)

TOM: Anyone know any good drinking games?

VALERIE: Can’t believe we’re doing this again, I’m still hungover from yesterday

ROSIE: I never

TOM: What’s that?

NATHAN: You mean never have I ever

ROSIE: No I mean I never

TOM: Never did what?

ROSIE: I never, is a game where you say something that you have never done, so I never had sex in public, then everyone in the circle who has had sex in a public drinks

EMMELINE: I am never going to get drunk playing this game

VALERIE: Me neither

NATHAN: Never have I ever been drunk

(Everyone drinks)

ROSIE: That’s a good one to start with. I’ll go next. I never took hard drugs

(NATHAN drinks)

VALERIE: I never cried myself to sleep

(Everyone except NATHAN and VALERIE drinks)

EMMELINE: Never have I ever been in love

(VALERIE drinks)

ROSIE: I never struggled un-hooking a bra

(Only NATHAN drinks, ROSIE laughs)

ROSIE: I’ve never seen a guy not drink on that question, Tom?

TOM: Never have I ever had sex

(Everyone stops dead)

NATHAN: You’re a virgin?!!?

TOM: No, no I was about to take a drink, just seeing if anyone here was

NATHAN: You’re not suppose to tell people you’re a virgin

TOM: I didn’t say I was

NATHAN: You implied it

TOM: Ok, ok I’m a… mature virgin

NATHAN: That’s a big bank of wank you’re storing up

TOM: What’s wrong with abstinence? Waiting for the right time, treating women with respect, being a gentleman? I never take advantage of women…

NATHAN: And look where it’s got you, a state called Virginity

Scene 3D – Norfolk and Suffolk Terrace Kitchens
LC: Stage left lights remain up, stage right lights up instantly

(The previous scenes continue as before but cut between the two)

ROSIE: I never accidentally set off a fire-extinguisher…

SMITH: There is a fire extinguisher in the hall. If it’s let off without due reason, your entire flat could be fined.

TOM: Never have I ever set off a fire alarm

SMITH: If the fire alarm goes off in the flat, you must exit through the flat door, regardless of whether you think it is a real fire. There is however a fire-alarm test every Wednesday morning.

VALERIE: Never have I ever been to a party sober

SMITH: You are not permitted to have parties in the flat, which includes having more than an acceptable number of guests in the flat. Going on the roof is also not permitted…

EMMELINE: Never have I ever… used a dishwasher

SMITH: …cleaners clean the sides of the kitchen twice a week but will not clean your pots and pans for you…

NATHAN: Never have I ever been admitted to hospital

SMITH: There have previously been cases of Meningitis which have proved fatal…

ROSIE: I never had a threesome, I don’t like sharing

SMITH: You are allowed guests for up to three nights but I should preferably be notified

VALERIE: Never have I ever been caught in the act with my fiancée

SMITH: Cleaners will enter your room daily. They will knock but also have their own key so it is imperative to let them in.

TOM: Never have I ever thrown up in a trash can

SMITH: Primarily this is to clear your waste paper bin but it is also a legal requirement that they check on the state of you and the room, to check that you are not dead

EMMELINE: Never have I ever seen someone die

(Only ROSIE quietly drinks)

SMITH: And finally to reiterate UEA have the power to evict you if you break the terms of your contract

LC: Blackout on stage left, stage right remains unchanged

Scene 3E – Norfolk Terrace Kitchen

(SMITH leaves, walking up the stairs)

FLORA: What a wanker he was

(FLORA realises everyone is looking at her)

FLORA: Well he was. Can I use your toilet? I wasn’t expecting a lecture before uni started…

HEIDI: Go ahead, use all three if you want

FLORA: Thanks, I’m Flora by the way, hi

(FLORA exits the up stage right exit)

CONNOR: And I’m Connor. We’re from F block. Missed this… thrilling… intro in our own flat so we came to yours.

MARCUS: Beer?

HEIDI (to Marcus): Is that your response to everything? (to everyone) So, what are you guys doing tonight? Anything wild? Having parties and going on the roof and letting off fire extinguishers?

CONNOR: Only if we can get meningitis and make a disgusting state of the kitchen at the same time.

EMILY: I have an irresistible urge to go out on the roof with more than the acceptable number of guests

MARCUS: Yeh so do I. Better not risk it though, don’t want to get thrown out on my first night

(Awkward silence)

LAVINIA: Even more silence

MARCUS: It’s technically not silence if you talk through it

(Followed by more silence)

HEIDI: Well… so… who else here has a family? I mean everyone has a family, obviously unless you’re an orphan, I’m so sorry if any of you are orphans, I didn’t mean to rub it in that you don’t have families I mean I didn’t meant that. Does someone else want to interrupt me because I will just keep talking rubbish, (silence) ok anyone want to talk about their families? (silence) Ok who else here has a family that they don’t want to talk about? (Silence) That will be everyone then…

(GREG bounces down the steps into the flat, HEIDI sees him first)

LAVINIA: Greg!

GREG: Hello strangers! Wow there’s so many of you now, Heidi introduce me before someone thinks I’m a lunatic

HEIDI: This is Greg, he… lives here and he’s one of us

EMILY: Finally I can put a face to the name

GREG: My name precedes me?

EMILY: Yeh as does your ego. You’d never guess that you were a drama student. Only joking I’m Emily by the way

(They shake hands)

GREG: Charmed…

EMILY: I’m sure you are

HEIDI: This is Marcus

GREG: Marcus, great, pleased to meet you. I need a drinking buddy

MARCUS: Hi, oh ok

(FLORA re-enters with door knob in hand)

HEIDI: And this is Connor and Flora but they don’t live here, they just don’t like their own flatmates

GREG: Why have you got a knob in your hand Flora?

FLORA: It just came off when I squeezed it!

MARCUS: Is that the door knob to our toilet door? Why have you broken the door knob to our toilet door?

FLORA: No! No! I didn’t mean to! It was already broken! I just pulled it off and even if it wasn’t broken before I touched it then it definitely broke when it hit the floor but that was mostly gravity, I had very little to do that

CONNOR: We should probably be going, I’m sure that there are things in our own flat that Flora can break. Maybe see you around

EMILY: I hope so, bye!

(Everyone says goodbye, FLORA and CONNOR exit, walking up the stairs)

GREG: So you guys have been making friends without me. How was your talk from the charismatic resident tutor?

LAVINIA: Boring

MARCUS: Dull

EMILY: Made me question why I was here

HEIDI: On the plus side, at least we found a cure for insomnia

GREG: Did any of you get tickets to the LCR tonight?

EMILY: No, didn’t want to cue around the block for hours just to get them

GREG: Well that’s good

EMILY: It’s terrible means we have to stay here all night, no offence guys

MARCUS: Why do you say that?

(GREG goes into his pocket, fishing out tickets)

GREG: Well it just so happens that I bought five spare tickets on Thursday

HEIDI: You have tickets?

GREG: If you want them…

(HEIDI rising up out of her chair)

HEIDI: Greg I could kiss you!

(GREG ignores her, HEIDI becomes slightly bashful and sits back down)

LAVINIA: What is the LCR?

GREG: The LCR is the axis of all social life at UEA, so what are you waiting for? You all owe me drinks, come on lets go!

(Everyone gets up and goes)

LC: 2 second fade to blackout

Scene 4A - LCR Bar/LCR Dancefloor
LC: 2 second whitewash fade-up on up-stage
MC: “The Time is Now” plays quietly in background for duration of scene

(EMMELINE stands centrally up-stage centre, VALERIE to her right. TOM comes from behind where the bar is situated with two drinks, he gives one of them to VALERIE, as if EMMELINE isn’t there. NATHAN and ROSIE come from behind mid-conversation)

NATHAN: How come you got served so much quicker than me?

ROSIE: I have breasts

NATHAN: You’re so sexist, for a woman

ROSIE: No the bar-staff are sexist I just take advantage of the situation

TOM: But most the bar-staff here are women…

EMMELINE: I want to go back to the flat

TOM: But we’ve only just got here

EMMELINE: I do not want to be here! This is not an environment in which I am comfortable in

TOM: Come on! You didn’t come out with us last night

VALERIE: Yeh last night was a real bonding experience, at least I think it was

TOM: We want you to come out, your flatmates want to get to know you, is that not a good thing?

(NATHAN and ROSIE come back from the bar, NATHAN stands to VALERIE’S right, ROSIE to TOM’S left)

EMMELINE: It is not that I do not want to get to know you it is that I do not want to get to know you here. It is incessantly loud in here

VALERIE: What did you say?

EMMELINE: (shouting): It is too loud!

NATHAN: I don’t think it’s too loud

VALERIE: What did you say?

NATHAN (shouting): I said that I don’t think it is too loud in here!

EMMELINE: I do not understand “clubbing”. What is the appeal of being in a hot, sweaty, crowded room of drunken strangers?

ROSIE: The appeal is that it is a hot, sweaty, sexy room of drunken students all wanting to get lashed and get with someone. You could home with a stranger… or in an ambulance.

VALERIE: It’s not that good, have you ever actually been here sober?

ROSIE: Why would you ever want to come here sober?

VALERIE: I agree with Emmeline you can’t go clubbing sober

NATHAN: Then don’t be sober

EMMELINE: I have to be sober

TOM: Clubbing isn’t fun sober

ROSIE: It’s not that it’s not fun it’s just that you’re not drunk enough to think that it’s fun

NATHAN: Give me one good reason why you aren’t drinking

EMMELINE: Because I am alcohol intolerant

TOM: You’re alcohol intolerant!?!?! Does that mean that you won’t let us drink?

EMMELINE: I am not intolerant to other people drinking, it only affects me

NATHAN: So you’re teetotaller? Is there a sixty year old women hiding inside of you?

EMMELINE: I am not a teetotaler! My body is intolerant to alcohol. I get palpitations, I go red, have stomach cramps, I vomit whenever I drink

ROSIE: Sounds like a normal night out to me

TOM: We all feel sick if we have too much alcohol, you just need to know your limits

EMMELINE: My limit is nothing, no drink, at all

ROSIE (ignoring Emmeline): Why did we get here so early? It’s dead in here

NATHAN: I queued for hours to get these tickets. We’re not wasting a second of it, come on let’s dance! Make the most of it

(NATHAN leads everyone off to the dancefloor down the steps on to the dancefloor down stage left. JACKIE and NED enter from downstage left)
LC: Flashing Disco lights red, blue and yellow on stage left

TOM: What’s up with the music in here?

VALERIE: I like it, reminds me of the first time I met Mark, we were childhood sweethearts

TOM: How young were you when you met?

VALERIE: First year of secondary school

NATHAN: Doesn’t it drive you insane being engaged? I’ve never been with anyone more than 3 months and that felt like a lifetime

VALERIE: Not at all, you’ll realise when you meet the right person Nathan

NATHAN: Not me, never. I hate being in relationships, far too much hassle

VALERIE: Then why are you always so desperate to pull?

NATHAN: I hate being in relationships but I hate being single even more

EMMELINE: Desperation, the most important of all human emotions without it we would have died out as a species long ago

NATHAN: I’m not desperate!

ROSIE: I don’t get desperate; whenever I’m down I just pull a random-er. I can have any man I want whenever I want.

NATHAN: That is desperation

ROSIE: No, men are desperate, I just take advantage

NATHAN: Not all men are desperate enough to be taken advantage of

ROSIE: You wanna bet?

NATHAN: Yeh, ok I’m going to pick out a stranger, totally at random, you have to get with him and get back to his flat, what you do after that is your business

ROSIE: Only if I get to chose someone for you

NATHAN: You’re on

TOM: What’s actually at stake here?

NATHAN: Yeh let’s make it interesting, if I pull and you don’t, I get to sleep with you

ROSIE: You what? Are you serious? I’m not going to do that

NATHAN: Think about it, it’s a reward for me and a forfeit for you

ROSIE: And what happens if I pull and you don’t?

NATHAN: You’re reward is that you get to sleep with me

ROSIE: So it’s a win-win situation for you? What happens if we both succeed?

NATHAN: I think getting with someone round theirs is reward enough

TOM: What happens if neither of you pull?

(NATHAN and ROSIE are bemused at this idea)

NATHAN: That’s not going to happen

ROSIE: I’m never going to sleep with you Nathan

NATHAN: Better not lose our bet then. What if I buy you a drink to sweeten the deal?

ROSIE: That’s your answer to everything.

NATHAN: Drink is the solution to and cause of all of life’s problems, as someone clever once said

ROSIE: I’m still not going to sleep with you for a bet however drunk I am

(JACKIE, whilst dancing, hits VALERIE)

VALERIE: Watch it! You’re not the only person on the dancefloor

TOM: Yeh but they soon will be if they keep dancing like that

NATHAN: I bet I can out drink you Rosie

ROSIE: I bet you can’t

NATHAN: There’s only one way to find out… to the Bar!

TOM: Again? We’ve just come from there

(The flatmates go up the stairs onto the raised stage and off upstage)

Scene 4B – LCR Bar/LCR Dancefloor
LC: Disco lights on stage right
MC: “Super Massive Black-hole” plays in background for duration of scene

(The Norfolk flatmates having just entered from up-stage centre with drinks in hand, go to the front of upstage looking out at dancefloor) around at their surroundings having just been to the bar)

LAVINIA: Only seven people on the dancefloor and five of them are leaving

HEIDI: What’s the red drink you’ve got there?

EMILY: It’s a snakebite

MARCUS: Snakebite?

LAVINIA: A snake that bites?

HEIDI: Sounds deadly, what is it?

EMILY: Never heard of snakebite? A snakebite is beer mixed with cider and toped off with blackcurrant

MARCUS: Doesn’t sound too bad

EMILY: Exactly its bite is worse than its bark. You have three or four, feel fine and then all of a sudden you end up passed out on the floor. It’s calorific though so you’d better go easy on them Greg

GREG: Are you suggesting that I look fat?

EMILY: I’m not suggesting

GREG: I’m not fat!

EMILY: You look fat

GREG: I’m not fat this shirt is just slim-fit

EMILY: Very slim fit

GREG: It’s tight on me, never used to be tight

HEIDI: Maybe it shrunk in the wash

GREG: I haven’t washed it

EMILY: Even the bouncer said you looked fat

GREG: Yeh but the bouncer hates me

EMILY: So what did that bouncer have against you?

GREG: I was a bit rowdy Thursday night

HEIDI: You were here Thursday night?

GREG: Yeh came here with my drama crew to the Returner’s LCR, except we weren’t returner’s but no-one seemed to mind, I didn’t look fat in this shirt on Thursday

HEIDI: You don’t get fat in four days

EMILY: So was it this quiet in here when you came on Thursday Greg?

GREG: No it was busy, really busy where is everybody?

HEIDI: It’s ten past ten! It should be busy by now

GREG: Ten past ten is early Heidi, welcome to university time, everyone must still be in the bar

EMILY: There’s a bar, what’s it called?

GREG: It’s called “the bar”

EMILY: Well that’s about as imaginative as the “LCR”

HEIDI: What’s kind of a bar is it?

GREG: It’s a bar… bar

LAVINIA: Bar, bar like sheep?

GREG: No, bar as in pub

LAVINIA: Only two people now dancing on the dancefloor, they must feel silly, I thought there would be more people dancing rather than less

EMILY: Drunken idiots, look at them dancing like that. They’ve literally cleared the dancefloor, who do they think they are?

GREG: Oh my God it’s Jackie and Ned. (Shouting) NED! NED! JACKIE! JACKIE! NED!

(JACKIE and NED look around, wondering where the shouting is coming from, they finally see GREG who rushes down the stairs to meet them, his flatmates following like sheep. With NED and JACKIE now not dancing the dancefloor quickly fills with every other character from down stage right who form small circles and dance timidly.)

JACKIE: It’s…

NED: Baker boy!

(They hug GREG)

HEIDI (to Greg): So why do they call you the baker?

NED (interrupting himself): Greg, as in, Gregg’s the baker! Get it?

EMILY: No. So Ned, is that you’re real name or your nickname?

NED: Actually my real name is Nick! But my nickname is Ned!

EMILY: Why Ned?

NED: Stands for Non-Educated Delinquent

EMILY: Ah, figures

JACKIE (to Greg): Greg! The funniest thing happened in the bar at last orders. We see the barmaid about to ring the last orders bell and I said to Ned “it can’t be last orders already” and Ned says…

NED: They can’t call last orders without the last order bell!

JACKIE: So Ned steals it from her hands and stuffs it down his trousers so the barmaid can’t get it

NED: So I run around the bar with this bell down my pants

JACKIE: And then Ned goes up to these girls who are sitting at a table, thrusting his pelvis in their faces and says…

NED (thrusting his pelvis in Emily’s direction): Ring my bell ladies! Won’t someone ring my bell?

(Everyone laughs, although NED and JACKIE laugh loudest at their own joke drowning everyone else laughs at his own joke and JACKIE laughs again HEIDI looks on in disdain)

JACKIE: It was so funny, we had to run up here to avoid being caught

EMILY: God I need a drink, anyone coming with me?

(Silence)

NED: I’ll come with you

EMILY (backtracking): Oh it’s ok I remember now that I had one earlier

NED: But if you get another one now you won’t need to get another one later

EMILY: But think if you get a drink now you’ll be one drink ahead of me

NED: And why would I want to be one drink ahead of you?

EMILY: Because you’ll be that bit more drunk and will feel less embarrassed when I tell you that it’s never going to happen between us

NED: What if…?

EMILY (instantaneously): No. Off you go.

(JACKIE goes up the stairs to the bar with NED, everyone else dances centre stage)

Scene 4C – LCR Dancefloor – Stage Right

(KEVIN, GEORGINA, KATY and ASH enter from the down stage right entrance)

GEORGINA: I can’t believe this is our last freshers week

KATY: It’s not as good as I remember it

GEORGINA: What isn’t?

KATY: This place, it just never changes, every LCR is a pale imitation of the previous one. The same drunken idiots dancing like lunatics.

ASH: The best nights out are the ones you don’t expect. Anticipation always leads to disappointment

KEVIN: The LCR is only good as the people who you go with

(OWEN enters from down stage left on his own)

OWEN (seeing everyone): Hello

KATY: Owen?

KEVIN: Owen

ASH: Owen!

OWEN: This is surreal seeing all of you, here, together

KEVIN: Why’s that?

OWEN: I know you all separately from completely different things. Kevin I knew you through LitSoc, Katy through my mate Julia, I can't have seen you since last year and Georgina where do I remember you from?

GEORGINA: Who are you again?

OWEN: And surprisingly you have forgotten my name. This is weird, it’s like being in your room drunk, everything is familiar but strangely off-kilter and you just can’t quite remember everything. So how do you all know each other?

KEVIN: We were working together, moving in the freshers today and yesterday and decided to come here after finishing

ASH: Oh we saw you’re doppelganger today

OWEN: Ah yeh, what was he doing?

ASH: Getting thrown out of someone’s flat half-naked. Couldn’t have been you though, could it?

OWEN: No. No. I was asleep.

ASH: I didn’t tell you when we saw “him” today

OWEN: Well I do a lot of sleeping. (Quickly changing the subject) Why am I getting this image in my head of a cowboy hat?

GEORGINA: Oh no…

OWEN: Oh yes! Georgina, the girl from the lake! You’re a ledge…

GEORGINA: And you’re a lech…

OWEN: Hey Kevin was there too as I recall

GEORGINA: Yeh but he got me a towel

OWEN (to Kevin): Oh that was you…

LC: Large white spotlight down centre stage
(OWEN sees GREG, who is at the centre of the spotlight dancing with his flatmates)

OWEN: That guy’s got my shirt!

KATY: So? It’s straight out of River Island lots of people have that shirt

OWEN: No I mean he’s actually got my shirt, my actual shirt!

ASH: You what?

OWEN: On Thursday at the Returner’s LCR we were all waving our shirts in the air to the Baywatch theme, as usual but someone stole mine off me

KATY: Stole?

OWEN: Yeh whilst I was waving it around it someone snatched it, so I was going round the LCR shirtless trying to find it, the bouncers were wanting to throw me out for being topless

ASH: Again? Why does this sort of thing always happen to you?

KATY: This isn’t an unusual occurrence for Owen?

ASH: I lived with him last year and I’ve never known anyone to have such a canny knack for misplacing their clothes at inconvenient moments. So how do you know that guy there got you’re top?

OWEN: Well he was standing near us, he was one of the loud drama lot I was telling you about earlier…

KATY: Wait a minute. Are you sure your shirt got stolen because if he’s got your shirt then why have you got the same shirt as him tonight? You don’t have two identical shirts do you?

OWEN: If you’d let me finish my story I’d have told you that I eventually got let back in to the LCR, having waited out in the cold for half an hour, everyone chuckling at me, including the bouncers, and there on the dancefloor was a shirt

KATY: Your shirt?

OWEN: But it wasn’t my shirt! I mean it was the same design and everything but this shirt was a medium and I wear a small

ASH: So you reckon you were wearing the same shirts? Be it that they were different sizes and that during the Baywatch theme you were waving them about and he stole your shirt thinking it was his whilst he lost track of the shirt that was actually his

OWEN: Yeh and now I’m going to get it back

KATY: You can’t just take the shirt from his back

OWEN: It’s my shirt, it belongs on my back!

(OWEN comes over to confront GREG everyone else stands around)

OWEN: Excuse me, you’re wearing my shirt

GREG: You’re shirt? Why would I be wearing your shirt?

OWEN: Remember Thursday night? The Baywatch theme, you stole my shirt

GREG: I remember very little from Thursday night, you sure we’re just not wearing the same shirt?

KATY: See that’s what I thought!

OWEN: So can I have my shirt back now?

GREG: I’m still not convinced, I’ve never met you before, why would you have my shirt and I yours?

OWEN: But they’re different sizes, haven’t you noticed? Unless it was your plan to steal this shirt

GREG: Oh of course! And all this time I’ve been thinking that I’ve been getting fat but the shirts must have got mixed up, but how?

JACKIE: Ah, that may have been me, Greg I tried to swipe yours for a laugh but ended up getting the wrong shirt out of the air and realizing it wasn’t yours I quickly dropped it on the dancefloor

OWEN: Well that’s cleared that up, all that’s left now is to swap shirts

GREG: What? Here? Now?

OWEN: Yeh I’m not wearing someone else’s shirt for the rest of the night

JACKIE: Come on Greg, we were all too drunk to get a proper look first time

(OWEN begins unbuttoning his shirt, GREG reluctantly begins to do the same. VALERIE sees OWEN, her eye having been caught by him having taken off his shirt to swap with GREG who is still being reluctant)

VALERIE: Why’s that guy taking off his top?

ROSIE: Oh no…

NATHAN: Not like you to say “oh no” to a bloke taking his top off

ROSIE: But it’s not any bloke taking his top off, it’s Owen

NATHAN: Owen from last night? Where is he?

ROSIE: Over there (pointing), with his shirt off again. God he has it off more than he has it on

NATHAN: Where? Which one is he again?

VALERIE: He’s hot with his shirt off

(By now GREG has his shirt off)

ROSIE: The only guy with his shirt off, he can’t be hard to miss even for you

(GREG is now the only shirtless one, OWEN having put on his shirt that GREG has now given him)

NATHAN: I see him. Want me to have a word with him?

ROSIE: No I might just go home

NATHAN: You can’t do that! We have a bet! Stay here, I’ll sort it

ROSIE: Nathan! No!

VALERIE: And that shirtless guy is even hotter

(NATHAN races down the steps to confront GREG who he thinks is OWEN meanwhile OWEN who is still OWEN sees ROSIE)

OWEN: Cheers, probably should stay away from each other I mean we don’t want another shirt mix-up

GREG: Agreed. See you around, or not as the case maybe

(NATHAN grabs GREG by the collar away from NED and JACKIE)

NATHAN: I want a word with you

GREG: Who are you?

NATHAN: A friend of Rosie’s

GREG: Who’s Rosie?

NATHAN: Don’t play dumb with me, now I have no idea what went on between you two last night but whatever happened Rosie wasn’t happy about it and if you make her unhappy you make me unhappy…

(Meanwhile OWEN approaches ROSIE who is looking the other way from where NATHAN is. ROSIE not wanting to see what he might do to him)

OWEN: Hello gorgeous, calmed down from last night yet?

(ROSIE turns around to face him)

ROSIE (shocked): OWEN! Fuck! Get away from me you pervert. Wait! If you’re here and Nathan is over there…

(ROSIE runs off down the steps to OWEN’S annoyance. NATHAN has his hand around GREG’s neck, everyone else is stunned by what is happening)

NATHAN: …If you hurt her emotionally, I hurt you physically, got that? Leave her alone

GREG: I’m not whoever you think I am

EMILY: Leave him alone

NATHAN: Or what?

EMILY: Or you’ll have to deal with me

NATHAN (to Greg): I’m going to give you a choice, either you can walk out of here now or you can leave here in an ambulance

GREG: Can’t I just stay here?

EMILY (threateningly): I said leave him alone

JACKIE: Someone get a bouncer!

MARCUS (nervously): Why don’t you?

JACKIE: They scare me! Why don’t you?

MARCUS: I’m scared he will beat me up if I do!

(EMILY comes between GREG and NATHAN trying to force them apart)

EMILY: Get off him! Someone help me out here! Heidi throw your handbag or something!

(EMILY grabs NATHAN’S arm and tears it away from GREG’S throat. NATHAN is about to attack GREG when ROSIE comes from behind into the centre of the action. HEIDI’S handbag flies over everyone’s heads, spilling it’s contents on the floor)

ROSIE: Nathan it’s not him! That isn’t Owen!

NATHAN: You’re kidding me!

ROSIE: Let go of him before you make a scene in front of everyone!

(GREG is bent over, catching his breath)

NED: It was nearly murder on the dancefloor!

ROSIE (to Greg): I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. We thought you were my ex

GREG: Remind me never to go out with you…

ROSIE: Don’t judge me on how I treat one perverted ex

EMILY: It’s not the going out that you seem to have a problem with; it’s the breaking up but the looks of it. Is that how you treat all your ex’s? By setting your boyfriend on them

NATHAN: We’re not together

ROSIE: God no! We’re just friends, well flatmates

HEIDI: So if Greg who you think he is, then who the hell does that make you two?

EMILY: Yeh who the hell do you think you are!

NATHAN: I’m Nathan, she’s Rosie. I realise we haven’t made a great first impression

LAVINIA: You never get a second chance to make a first impression

NATHAN (to Greg): I’m sorry but if you had known what the pervert who we mistook you for had tried to do to Rosie last night…

EMILY: We’d have what? Sympathized with you threatening complete strangers?

GREG: You mistook me for a pervert!

NATHAN: Let me make amends (picking up Heidi’s handbag). Whose handbag is this?

HEIDI: Mine. Leave it! Its fine

NATHAN: It’s ok I’ll put your stuff back in it for you, lipstick…

HEIDI: NO!

(NATHAN picks up the contents, the usual stuff, lipstick, a mirror)

NATHAN: … Mirror, broken, sorry…

(NATHAN picks up the box of condoms that were in HEIDI’S handbag before she can hide them)

NATHAN (un-easy): Big box of condoms…

JACKIE: Who caries around a family pack of condoms with them?

NED: That’s an anti-family pack of condoms, you won’t have kids using that many condoms

ROSIE: That’s hardcore. How many men are you planning on sleeping with tonight?

HEIDI: They’re not mine!

NATHAN: What were they doing in your handbag then?

HEIDI: They’re my dad’s

NED: Why have you got your dad’s condoms? That’s twisted

HEIDI: It’s not like that! My Dad gave them to me earlier today, he’s very protective.

GREG: Very protective

HEIDI: I just forgot to take them out the bag

ROSIE: I’ve heard so many men say that before

HEIDI: I’ve never been so embarrassed

NED: You get used to it after a while

NATHAN: Can I buy you a drink Greg?...

ROSIE: Did someone say “drink”?

NATHAN: …To make up for everything

GREG: Erm, yeh ok, as long you don’t ask for my number afterwards

ROSIE: You can ask for mine if you want…

GREG: So where do you both live?...

(NATHAN, ROSIE go upstage to get GREG a drink from the bar)

HEIDI: Marcus follow Greg, make sure nothing happens with him and Rosie

MARCUS: Why don’t you?

HEIDI: I’ll look clingy if I go

MARCUS: Won’t I look clingy?

HEIDI: No, you’re a guy

MARCUS: For what reason do you want me to do this?

HEIDI: I don’t trust Rosie, there’s something about her

EMILY: You don’t trust her because she’s a threat to you, you and Greg

HEIDI: Don’t be stupid, flatmate rule and all. Marcus go already

(MARCUS reluctantly follows)

Scene 4D – LCR Bar

(MARCUS, GREG, NATHAN and ROSIE meet the rest of the flatmates again)

TOM: Hello remember us, we’re your flatmates

NATHAN: Have you been at the bar all this time?

VALERIE: We thought you’d forgotten about us

ROSIE (mockingly): Who are you again?

(VALERIE is drunkenly confused)

TOM (to Valerie): Amnesia is a side-effect of excessive alcohol consumption; remember me telling you that yesterday, Valerie?

(VALERIE looks blankly)

TOM: No didn’t think so

VALERIE (to Greg): So you must be Owen?

NATHAN: No he’s Greg, I thought he was Owen but he wasn’t

VALERIE: I’m confused

TOM: That’s what comes from drinking too much Valerie

(MARCUS joins the group by standing behind GREG)

ROSIE (introducing Marcus): And this is Greg’s friend who I’m going to call Greg’s friend until he tells me his name

VALERIE (pointing): He looks familiar

(MARCUS stays silent, surprised by all the attention, the others almost surround him)

TOM: Maybe his has no-name

EMMELINE: Then we should name him Nemo

VALERIE: Nemo, like the fish?

EMMELINE: No Nemo from the Latin meaning no-one

TOM: How can someone be named “No-one”?

VALERIE: Finding No-one what a rubbish name for a film

MARCUS: I’m Marcus, not Nemo to avoid any further argument

TOM (looking at Marcus): So how did you mistake him for Owen? They look nothing alike from memory

NATHAN: No I mistook Greg for Owen not Nemo here

VALERIE: Who’s Nemo again?

MARCUS: My name is Marcus, not Nemo

TOM: How did you mistake Greg for Owen? They look nothing alike either

ROSIE: It’s a long story but basically Greg took his top off at the wrong moment

GREG: And it nearly got me beaten up…

TOM: We saw, who was the girl that got the better of you Nathan? She was feisty

NATHAN: She didn’t get the better of me…

MARCUS: Her name was Emily, she’s our flatmate

EMMELINE (shouting): For the last time, I am not called Emily!

MARCUS: I was talking about our flatmate who is called Emily

EMMELINE: Sorry, I have a reflex reaction on hearing that name

ROSIE: She hated you Nathan, really had it in for you. Nathan! Remember our bet? Well you’ve got to get with Emily. Emily is your target!

NATHAN: No! That’s not fair, she hates me!

ROSIE: All’s fair in love and war

MARCUS: Are you betting on our flatmates?

TOM: No on our flatmates, your flatmates are just the victims

ROSIE: Off you go, Nathan do your thing. Could have been worse, at least I didn’t set you up with someone ugly. I was thinking of setting you up with Emmeline.

EMMELINE: What are you implying?

ROSIE: I’m not implying anything

NATHAN: Just you wait until I find someone for you, Rosie

(NATHAN walks down the stage right stairs to find EMILY. VALERIE, slightly drunkenly is looking through her coins before holding one up)

VALERIE (reading from coin): “Nemo me impune lacessit”. Hey Nemo! Your name is on the side of this coin!

MARCUS: My name isn’t Nemo! Is it really on the side of pound coins?

VALERIE: Does anyone know what it means?

EMMELINE: Something about no-one being unrestrained to harass me, my Latin “reddo” is not what it used to be

(VALERIE keeps looking through the change in her hand)

VALERIE: Is this enough change for another drink?

TOM: You have a pound coin, two p sterling, a cent and a euro so I’m guessing no

ROSIE: There’s only one thing to do when the money runs out. Dance! Coming Greg?

GREG: Are you asking?

ROSIE: I’m asking

GREG: Then I’m dancing. Marcus?

MARCUS: Where you go I follow

(Everyone follows ROSIE down the stage left stairs. She grabs GREG’S hand. VALERIE on the end)

Scene 4E – LCR Dancefloor

NATHAN: So where are you from Emily?

EMILY: You again? Bakewell, Derbyshire, why do you want to know?

NATHAN: Isn’t that where Bakewell Tarts come from?

EMILY: Are you calling me a tart?

NATHAN: I’m not calling you a tart I mean the cakes…

HEIDI: The cakes with the cherry on top…

NATHAN: Yeh! I always pluck the cherry off them…

EMILY: Yeh I bet you do…

HEIDI: What are you doing here?

NATHAN (lying): Oh, er, I lost my flatmates, thought I’d join you guys and girls until I can find them again

(HEIDI sees them on the other side of the dancefloor)

HEIDI: Isn’t that them over there?...

NATHAN (not even looking): No can’t be

HEIDI: Is that Greg dancing with Rosie? Where’s Marcus?

NATHAN: Someone has a crush on Greg…

HEIDI (defensively): I don’t…

NATHAN: Don’t worry it isn’t them, last time I saw them they were at the bar, Marcus was getting all the attention not Greg

LAVINIA: I am happy for Marcus

EMILY: Marcus is so sweet, just lacks a bit of confidence, we need to get him a girl Heidi

NATHAN: If he’s straight then I’m sober

EMILY: Really? You think? But he seems so normal, do you have gaydar then? Are you gay?

NATHAN (ignoring Emily): If he’s straight then I’m sober! He’s the one! He’s perfect Rosie! Rosie! Where’s she gone?

LAVINIA (pointing): She is just over there

(NATHAN gets out his phone before beginning to text her, NATHAN pretends not to know where she is to keep up his excuse of being with EMILY)

NATHAN: No-where to be seen. It’s impossible to find anyone in here. Give me a moment, just got to send a text to Rosie. Come on! Damned mobile, I hate predictive sex...I meant text...I haven’t been thinking about sex

EMILY: Is this about Marcus?

NATHAN: Sort of yeh

EMILY (patronizingly): Do you want me to set him up with you?

NATHAN: No, God no. He’s not my type, I mean he’s a guy for starters

EMILY: So you’re not gay?

NATHAN: Gay? No way! What makes you think that? Single and straight that’s me, always have been always will be, straight I mean not single.

NATHAN: How-a-bout you?

EMILY: Single and straight, just like you

NATHAN: Single and straight, that’s my favourite combination. So...what course are you on Emily?

EMILY: Onto those questions already? Course, accommodation, hometown, do you really want to know the answer? No. You just ask it coz everybody else does

NATHAN: You don’t do small-talk then? Because I tell you now I don’t do small…

EMILY (interrupting): Are you flirting with me?

NATHAN: It’s possible; do you want me not to flirt?

EMILY: Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you

NATHAN: I bet you’re a four-beer-flirter

EMILY: I’ve already had twice that today

NATHAN: Well twice as much again and you never know who you’ll end up with tonight!

(NATHAN nudges her before beginning to walk off to the bar)

EMILY (under her breath): Yeah, well I’m pretty sure that it won’t be you

(EMILY follows NATHAN up the stairs)

Scene 4F – LCR DANCEFLOOR

GREG and ROSIE are dancing closely, ROSIE just about to kiss when…
MC: Mobile Phone Rings over the top of the music


GREG: I hope that’s your phone that’s vibrating. Got a text? Who’s it from?

(ROSIE reads the text, takes a step back)

ROSIE: Only Nathan telling me that I’ve got to do someone, something I mean

(ROSIE turns around to talk to MARCUS totally ignoring GREG who seems a bit put out)

ROSIE: So Marcus, why don’t you tell me about yourself?

MARCUS: Not much to tell. You?

ROSIE: I do triathlon. Love doing triathlon, it’s like a threesome of sport plus it puts me in peak physical condition, can’t you sit how fit I am? Oh and hockey, I do hockey, I get to play with a lot of balls if you know what I mean

GREG: I like sport, love playing the field

ROSIE: Good for you…

(Turning back to MARCUS)

ROSIE: What course do you do Marcus?

MARCUS: Music

ROSIE: Music makes the people come together

(ROSIE gets closer to MARCUS, puts her hand on his chest)

MARCUS: So, er, what do you do?

ROSIE: Physiotherapy which makes me an ace massager whether I’m giving a rubdown for pleasure, relieving an injury or taking pleasure in inflicting pain, I’m your girl

(They dance, ROSIE leading)

GREG (to Valerie): So… where have my flatmates gone?

VALERIE: You were the guy who took his top off

GREG: Yeh, what a reputation to have inn your first week

VALERIE: Yeh but I liked what I saw, shame you were standing so far away, maybe I could get a closer look later on…

(Looking at GREG’S rear, GREG looking around for his flatmates)

TOM: Valerie! What would “Mark-y” say?

VALERIE (not hearing Tom): Nice arse

TOM: Valerie!

GREG: So you’re called Valerie. Are you named after the song?

VALERIE: No the song is named after me. Do you mind if I take off my shoes? They’re killing me

GREG: Why do you wear them then?

VALERIE: Because they’re pretty, see?

(VALERIE holds them up so GREG can see. ROSIE slips away with MARCUS)

Scene 4G – LCR BAR/LCR Dancefloor

(CONNOR has his hands full with drinks, FLORA takes one. FLORA is putting white powder in her drink)

CONNOR: Where have our flatmates gone?

FLORA: They wandered away from me again

CONNOR: What you got there?

FLORA: GHB, my mate at home gave it to me

CONNOR: Isn’t that a date-rape drug?

FLORA: It’s only a date rape drug when used wrongly. One of my friends uses it to get out of having to have sex with her boyfriend all the time. Do you want some?

CONNOR: Do I voluntarily want to drug myself? Let me think about that. No. Anyway isn’t it illegal?

FLORA: I’m only breaking the law if I get caught

CONNOR: Are they’re any side-effects?

FLORA: I hope so! I get it for the hallucinogenic side-effects

CONNOR: I’ve never met anyone who was so jeopardy friendly

FLORA: Thank you

CONNOR: It isn’t a compliment, no wonder people wander away from you. Talking about wandering, I need the toilet

FLORA: Again? Maybe you’re diabetic

CONNOR: Do not get our drinks mixed up!

FLORA: Of course I won’t

(CONNOR exits, NATHAN and EMILY come from the bar, NATHAN only looking at EMILY)

NATHAN: How kinky exactly?

EMILY: Do you want your answer in pie chart or ratio format?

(FLORA realising that she’s paid no attention to which drink is hers and which is CONNOR’S begins to go after him)

FLORA: Which drink is yours again?

(FLORA collides with NATHAN who drops his drink, CONNOR walks on oblivious)

FLORA: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. That’s like the third drink I’ve spilt tonight

EMILY: No wonder the floor around here is so sticky

FLORA: I’m having such a clumsy day, I jerked a door knob off earlier

NATHAN: Great now I’m going to go buy another drink with money I don’t have

FLORA: Wait! Have mine, it’s only fair, no wait, don’t have mine have Connor’s, oh which one is his again? This one I think, no it’s the other one, just take it

NATHAN: Cheers

FLORA: Cheers

(NATHAN and EMILY carry on as before)

NATHAN: So, we can’t just talk about the course?

EMILY: Nope

NATHAN: Or the accommodation?

EMILY: Nope

NATHAN: Or your hometown?

EMILY: Nope

NATHAN: You know what? You need to stop being an up-tight bitch. You’re at uni talking to a nice guy surrounded by hot young clever people, these are exciting times, anything could happen! What is wrong with you?

EMILY: What’s wrong with you?

NATHAN: Well...my mum fell down the stairs when I was inside her (pauses) I wasn’t raping her, I just wasn’t born yet. But that’s not the point

(HEIDI comes over)

EMILY: Hi! This is Heidi, my flatmate, and this is (gestures toward Nathan) the guy I’ve been talking to for the last few hours...

NATHAN: I know who Heidi is, she threw her handbag at me, remember? Has it really seemed that long to you? It’s only been 10 minutes.

EMILY: I think people should be forced to wear nametags

HEIDI: So, what you drinking?

EMILY: Another snakebite. What’s everyone else talking about? Courses, accommodation, hometowns?

HEIDI: If only, Ned and Jackie are telling dead baby jokes to Lavinia who is trying hard not to burst out in tears believing them to be serious

NATHAN: You don’t like dead baby jokes then?

HEIDI: No especially not from people who have been following me around all night

NATHAN: I’ll buy you a drink if you don’t laugh at this “my girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day- I said that’s a big word for a seven year old.”

HEIDI: You actually managed to lower the tone of conversation from what I was hearing over there, I think I’m going to go back to the dead baby jokes

(HEIDI goes back to the stage right dancefloor)

NATHAN: Heidi seems cool

EMILY: Yeah, so far we’re really getting along.

NATHAN: She dating anyone?

EMILY: Not unless she has a secret boyfriend back home

NATHAN: Interesting

EMILY (deflated): Drink. Drink to numb the pain. That’s what this week is about anyway: getting drunk and forcing random strangers to become your friends.

NATHAN: Ok, joking apart. Can I have your number?

EMILY (obliviously): Yeh, if you must, you can have Heidi’s number

NATHAN: You are giving me yours aren’t you?

EMILY: Of course not, I’m giving you Heidi’s number because that’s the number you want. I’m just a walking phonebook, the amount of people who have got together because of me I should start a dating agency

NATHAN: Stay here, don’t go anywhere

(NATHAN walks down to the dancefloor to talk to HEIDI. Meanwhile CONNOR re-enters taking his drink off FLORA)

CONNOR: Thanks for holding my drink

FLORA: I thought that was my drink

CONNOR: Definitely mine, where’s yours? Drunk it already?

FLORA: Oh no! I accidentally gave it away to this guy

CONNOR: You what?

FLORA: Well I thought it was yours!

CONNOR: So someone’s going to get accidentally drugged tonight?

FLORA: Not unless we can track them down, come on!

(NATHAN finally gets to HEIDI with the drink in his hand)

NED: Lavinia why did the dead baby cross the road?

LAVINIA: I don’t want to know!

NED: Because it was chained to a car bumper

LAVINIA: Why would you chain a baby to a car bumper?

NATHAN: Hi again Heidi

HEIDI: If you’re looking for Greg’s he’s not here, probably getting as far from you as possible incase you try to beat him up again

NATHAN: I thought he was someone else!

JACKIE: You’re not talking about Greg again are you Heidi? Always going on about Greg she is, I think she has a secret crush on him

HEIDI: It’s not a secret! I’d have to tell someone I fancied him for it to become a secret

JACKIE: Sounds like you just have

NATHAN: Anyway can I have Emily’s phone number?

HEIDI: Why can’t you just ask her for it?

NATHAN: I did but she gave me yours, see?

(NATHAN shows his phone to Heidi that has her number on it)

HEIDI: Why did she do that?

NATHAN: Because she’s drunk and for some reason she thought that I wanted to get with you

HEIDI: Eeuw. Better give you her number then

(HEIDI shows it to NATHAN)

HEIDI: Now that you’ve got it you can go

NATHAN: Thanks Heidi, I owe you one. Actually here you are, have this one, I got it free anyway, well sorta

(HEIDI takes the drink, mobile in the other hand whilst NATHAN goes back to EMILY)

HEIDI: Wait! No! Oh, great I accidentally gave him Greg’s number instead of Emily’s

JACKIE: Why did you do that?

HEIDI: I was just thinking about him. No not like that! I just can’t get him out of my head

(NATHAN returns to EMILY)

EMILY: Did you get her number then?

NATHAN (smiling): No

EMILY: Since when has being rejected been a good thing?

NATHAN: But I wasn’t rejected

EMILY: Don’t rub it in. WHY? WHY?!! EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A NEW START! A NEW LIFE!

NATHAN: Woah there, really...everything’s fine...it’s okay.

EMILY: IT’S NOT OKAY!

NATHAN: You Muppet, I didn’t go over there to get her number, I went over there to get yours! I wanted your number

EMILY: Why didn’t you ask me for it?

NATHAN: I did but you didn’t listen!

EMILY: Why do you want my number?

NATHAN: Come on! Why do you think?

EMILY: Well, there’s a thirty year-old guy over there dressed up as a granny, grinding to Timbaland. (points) So I don’t know what to think at the moment

(Awkward silence)

EMILY: Let’s talk about something intelligent...

NATHAN: I’m not so good at that but people say that alcohol makes me seem more intelligent

EMILY: Doesn’t alcohol kill brain cells?

NATHAN: Exactly, brings everyone else down to my level. Same again?

EMILY: You’re right that is the cleverest thing you’ve said so far

NATHAN: You know, I know a place where the alcohol is free, we could go there

EMILY: Where’s that then and why aren’t we there already?

NATHAN: It’s my flat

EMILY: Not backwards in coming forwards are you? I tell you now, I can resist anything you throw at me, anything that is except temptation and that is a very tempting proposition. Wait here a minute, don’t go anywhere. Sit boy.

(EMILY walks down the steps. NED is grinding Heidi who is trying to ignore him)

HEIDI: Lavinia, I’m too depressed to drink, do you want it?

LAVINIA: I am not really a depressant drinker

HEIDI: One more won’t hurt you

LAVINIA: Thank you

(LAVINIA starts drinking, EMILY joins them)

EMILY: Heidi have you still got those condoms?

HEIDI: No you’re not actually planning on…

EMILY: No. It’s just insurance incase something accidentally happens

HEIDI: In-case you accidentally sleep with him?

EMILY: Just in-case, don’t wait up for me

(EMILY prepares to rejoin NATHAN. FLORA and CONNOR approach NATHAN)

FLORA: Hello again, is it ok if I take my drink back off you?

NATHAN: No. Why? Anyway I gave it away for a phone number

FLORA: Do you know who has it now?

CONNOR: It’s really important that we find them, we think there might be a… substance in the drink that shouldn’t be drunk

NATHAN: You, what? Tell me this is a joke.

CONNOR: I can’t this is deadly serious

NATHAN: Oh, great. I gave it to, er, Heidi, who is somewhere on the dancefloor

(NATHAN peers out over dancefloor)

CONNOR: Where exactly? We need to find her

NATHAN: I can’t see her from here

CONNOR: Can you call her?

NATHAN: Don’t have her number, wait I gave Heidi the drink in return for Emily’s phone number and Emily’s with Heidi. I’ll phone Emily

(NATHAN rings the number on his mobile. GREG and VALERIE dancing closely together, VALERIE whispering in his ear her hand near his crotch)

GREG: Stop putting your hand down there and leave my phone alone whilst you’re at it

VALERIE: It wasn’t me!

(GREG picks up the phone and has a phone conversation with NATHAN)

GREG: Oh sorry it was my phone, I’ll just answer this. Hello?

NATHAN: Emily?

GREG: Nathan is that you? Why are you calling me?

NATHAN: Greg!!?! You again?!!? Why aren’t you Emily?

GREG: Why do you want Emily?

NATHAN: To find Heidi, who thinking about it gave me this number, she so doesn’t want me getting with Emily

GREG: You’re getting with Emily?

NATHAN: Not if I can’t find her! I think Heidi must have pranked me into giving me your number so I wouldn’t get with Emily

GREG: Doesn’t sound like Heidi

NATHAN: Better go find them mate

GREG: Ok bye

(NATHAN ends the phone conversation)

NATHAN: Wrong number. We’ve lost them

(EMILY rejoins NATHAN)

EMILY: There you are

NATHAN: Where’s Heidi?

EMILY: Not this again

NATHAN: We think we might have accidentally given her a dodgy drink

CONNOR: We need to find her

EMILY (to Connor and Flora): So you two must be the “we”. What is all this about? Dodgy drinks? She didn’t have a drink just now when I saw her

CONNOR: Are you sure?

EMILY: Yeh, I think she’s stopped drinking, seems a little down

FLORA: I’m so relieved! Must have thrown it away

CONNOR (looking nerviously at his drink): Or maybe we just got the drinks mixed up in the first place

EMILY (to Nathan): I’m not even going to ask, change of plan, your coming to mine

NATHAN: Not mine?

EMILY: No mine

NATHAN: Yours. Ok. Let’s go!

(NATHAN and ROSIE exit)

Scene 4H – LCR Dancefloor

TOM: Do you know where Rosie and Marcus got to?

GREG (to Valerie): No!

EMMELINE: Probably back home which is where I want to be

TOM: Then why don’t you go?

VALERIE (to Greg): Why not?

EMMELINE: I’ve forgotten the way

GREG (to Valerie): I’m not going to have sex with you whilst you’re in this state

VALERIE: Ok let’s go back to mine

GREG: Did you just hear what I said?

VALERIE: I heard you say “have sex with you” meaning me and I said “let’s go”

GREG: That’s not what I said

VALERIE: I heard you say “have sex with you” all the other words are meaningless

GREG: Let’s get you sobered up first, it would be wrong to take advantage of you whilst you’re this drunk

(VALERIE turns to TOM)

VALERIE: Shhh, don’t tell him but I think this guy is drunk, so I’m going to look after him, take him home

TOM: Are you sure? It looks like he wants to take you home and not to look after you but do something else entirely. Not going to do anything stupid are you Valerie?

VALERIE: I'm not as think as you drunk I am

TOM: Have you had a bit to drink?

VALERIE: Don’t look at me with that tone of voice! I’m stone cold sober!

TOM: You’re drunk! You don’t even know what you’re saying

VALERIE: Just because I might be drunk doesn’t make you right!

TOM: Please don’t get argumentative again

VALERIE: I’m not argumentative! How dare you accuse me of being argumentative! I’m the least argumentative person I know!

TOM: You’re such a hypocrite

VALERIE: No you’re a… hippogriff!

TOM: You’re as drunk as Amy Winehouse at a Hen Party

(VALERIE walks off without saying goodbye to anybody across the front of the stage, GREG follows)

GREG (to Tom): I’ll look after her, I promise

TOM: You’d better

(GREG bumps into HEIDI)

LAVINIA: I feel ill

HEIDI: Greg!

GREG: Heidi, erm this girl (indicating Valerie) is drunk, I’m looking after her, taking her home. Listen you know you have all those condoms, can I borrow one?

HEIDI: You get your condoms out once and suddenly everyone wants one. If you must, just don’t give it back. Who is this girl anyway? Why do you want it again?

GREG: Just incase she drunkenly gets with someone on the way back to her flat

(VALERIE exits down stage right exit)

JACKIE: By someone do you mean you?

(HEIDI reluctantly gives GREG the condom)

HEIDI: Have you seen Emily and Nathan? I’m really worried he’s trying to take advantage of the state she’s in

GREG: I wouldn’t be too worried, Nathan’s the one in a state he phoned me thinking I was Emily just now!

HEIDI: Maybe you should come help me find them, make sure nothing bad happens

GREG: She’ll be fine, will keep a look out for them though. The really weird thing is I don’t even know how he got my number, it’s spooky

HEIDI: Isn’t it? Crazy, how did that happen? So do you know where Marcus got to?

GREG: No he just disappeared. I better had too, before Valerie finds herself lost thanks again, see you tomorrow maybe

(GREG chases after VALERIE)

HEIDI (to Greg): Won’t you come help me find Marcus?

JACKIE: I’m sorry honey

HEIDI: Ned! Stop grinding me! Nothing’s going to happen!

(NED stops grinding HEIDI)

LAVINIA: Why is the room spinning?

JACKIE: That’s not the room spinning, that’s your head sweetie

HEIDI: She’s only had a few, she can’t be drunk

(JACKIE sees OWEN who is looking at HEIDI)

JACKIE: You see that guy there exchanging glances with you?

HEIDI: Ignore him. Just keep pretending to dance

LAVINIA: I love this song! I want to dance like a robot from 1984!

(LAVINIA staggers across to the exit)

HEIDI: Come back!

(HEIDI follows her. All the other characters drift off the stage in the blackout)

LC: Fade to blackout

Scene 5A – Valerie’s Room
LC: White light on Valerie’s room, upper stage door left

(VALERIE screaming with laughter is heard off-stage, she then enters the room on GREG’S back, running back and forth, he then lets her off)

VALERIE: How did we get here?

GREG: I carried you all the way on my back, because your feet were hurting, I mean what’s the point of having nice shoes if you can’t walk in them?

VALERIE: I have lots of shoes I can comfortably walk in but none of them are as sexy as these ones. Do you mind if I just chuck them down on your bedroom floor?

(VALERIE drops the shoes that we’re in her hand, onto the floor)

GREG: No, this isn’t…

VALERIE: What are my knickers doing on your bedroom floor?

GREG: This isn’t my bedroom, it’s yours! It’s your room, your knickers, why would your knickers be on my bedroom floor?

VALERIE: That’s why I was asking! I suppose this must be my room, should really put some posters up because all the rooms look the same

GREG: Sobered up yet?

VALERIE: I wasn’t drunk in the first place

GREG: I’ll take that as a no then, you’re still in drunken denial

(VALERIE picks the knickers up off the floor as she stands up her shoulder brushes GREG’S who is now shaking)

VALERIE: Why are you shaking? You don’t get nervous around the sight of knickers do you?

GREG: No, No! I just need the toilet

VALERIE: There’s one just down the corridor

GREG: Yeh I will go when we find out where Emily and Nathan are, Heidi seemed really worried about them

VALERIE: Bet they’re at it like UEA rabbits. Aw the rabbits are so cute

GREG: Are you sure they weren’t in his room? I mean just because they weren’t answering his door doesn’t mean that they aren’t in there. I wouldn’t have opened to door to us if our places had been reversed

VALERIE: If they were both wrecked, the last thing they will be thinking of is being quiet

GREG: I’ll call her mobile again make sure she isn’t being raped or anything

VALERIE: She’s hardly going to be able to pick up her phone if she is being raped…

GREG: Do you always say such inappropriate things at inappropriate times? One of my flatmates is like you, except she does it sober. Then again I’ve never seen you sober

(GREG is bursting, hoping up and down)

VALERIE: For all you know, I’m never sober. I’m not having you wet yourself in my room, go to the toilet. God I must be drunk, I sound like my mum

GREG: Keep calling her on that number, I’ll be back in a mo

(GREG exits. Pause.)

MC: Mobile phone rings

(VALERIE surprised puts it to her ear)

LC: White spotlight up instantly downstage centre

(HEIDI and LAVINIA are revealed in the spotlight. HEIDI has her phone to her ear on one side and LAVINIA draped on the other)

VALERIE: Emily?

HEIDI: Greg?

VALERIE: Erm this is Greg’s phone Valerie speaking

HEIDI: Greg’s phone is called Valerie? Why does he call his phone Valerie? Wait a minute why is Greg’s phone talking to me? Are you a talking phone? Are you a talking phone called Valerie?

VALERIE: No I’m not a talking phone called Valerie, my name is Valerie but I’m a friend of Greg’s, a human friend! I am talking on Greg’s phone because he is currently indisposed of. Can I ask whose calling?

HEIDI: I’m Heidi, Greg’s flatmate

VALERIE: You’re not a talking phone either then

HEIDI: No of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. Where’s Greg?

VALERIE: He’s round mine

HEIDI: Why can’t he come to the phone again? Oh shit my phone’s is dieing, oh, er quick, erm can you tell Greg that I want him, I mean I need him, not in that way I need him to…

LC: Spotlight down instantly at end of call

(GREG re-enters seeing that VALERIE has been on the phone)

GREG: Was that Emily?

VALERIE: No it was some girl called Heidi

GREG: What were you doing phoning Heidi?

VALERIE: No she phoned me

GREG: Why would she phone you? You don’t even know her

VALERIE: She phoned your phone asking for you although she thought that I was a phone that talked. A phone called Valerie.

GREG: Why did she think that?

VALERIE: I don’t know!

GREG: What did she say?

VALERIE: She wanted to know where you were and said that she wanted you, she sounded pretty desperate

GREG: Well she is both pretty and desperate. So still no answer from Emily then?

VALERIE: No, got any other ideas for how we check that Emily isn’t taking advantage of Nathan?

LC: Lights-up on upstage upper door

(NATHAN and EMILY are making out at the upstage upper door which is Emily’s room, drunkenly, awkwardly NATHAN is trying to undress her)

GREG: Wait, I can see Emily’s room from here, it’s just over there, see the one with the light on

(Placing VALERIE in-front of him so that she can see from his viewpoint)

VALERIE: I can see shadows moving about in there

GREG: It must be them

VALERIE: Are you sure? I don’t want to walk all the way over to yours just to walk in on two complete strangers having sex

GREG: Ok, do you have Nathan’s number?

VALERIE: No, why do I need his number when he lives other side of the corridor to me?

GREG: Wait I have Nathan’s number from tonight! He accidentally called me. Ok I’ll give him a call, you go to his door listen out for his phone going off on the off chance that they are round here, if you hear it we will know if they are in his room or not.

VALERIE: Ok if I hear nothing I will come straight back, of course he could have his phone on silent… or off…

(VALERIE leaves. NATHAN’s phone rings at the other window. EMILY on hearing the phone ringing takes it out of his pocket)

EMILY (giggling): Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

(EMILY takes out the phone to answer, NATHAN snatches it away and ends up answering it himself)

GREG: Nathan!

NATHAN: Greg!?! Yeh can I call you back, kind of have my hands tied at the moment

GREG: Yeh so I can see, you’re like an octopus with all those arms wrapped around Emily

NATHAN: What?

GREG (childlike): I can see you!

NATHAN (looking around): Where the hell are you?

GREG: Valerie’s flat, just across the way

NATHAN: What are you doing in Valerie’s flat?

GREG: Well we were looking for you

NATHAN: Well you weren’t going to find me in there. Why are you really there?

GREG: Just getting to know Valerie

NATHAN: You do know she’s engaged? Engaged to be married

(VALERIE re-enters)

GREG: Engaged!

VALERIE: What, the phone?

GREG: No, you!

VALERIE: Yeh, why?

GREG: I just never thought

NATHAN: I’ve had enough of him, let’s turn the phone off

EMILY: No keep it on. I have an ingenious use for it

LC: Blackout on up-stage upper door

GREG: He’s hung-up

VALERIE: Sounds like you are

(VALERIE goes to kiss GREG who backs away)

GREG: What would your fiancée say?

VALERIE: He’s not the jealous type

GREG: I can’t get with you whilst you’re wearing someone else’s ring on your finger

VALERIE: But someone else isn’t here and you are. I can’t hold him in my arms via email. I can’t stare into his eyes down a telephone line. Don’t leave me lonely and alone tonight

GREG: You don’t mean it, it’s just the alcohol talking

VALERIE: I’ve been away from him for five days and I’ve never felt so alone. And tonight you made me feel less alone, just stay with me tonight, nothing has to happen

GREG: But something could happen, I should go

VALERIE: You don’t have to go, stay

GREG: If I stay I will get carried away and I think you would too

VALERIE: Look! Ok, I got carried away. Just for one night, I wanted to pretend I was someone else, someone desirable, I’ve not been myself for so long. At home everything is the same. No-one calls me Valerie anymore, everyone calls me Valerie and Mark, we get invited to everything as a couple, we do everything as a couple and just for once I wanted to do something that was me, I wanted to be a single person, doing single things. My male friends at home don’t look at me twice but you did and I just got carried away. What are you doing?

(GREG takes her arm and a pen from his pocket and writes his phone number on her arm)

GREG: I’d better carry myself away from here but if anything ever changes, or you just need a friend. Call me. Night

Scene 5B
LC: Lights up on upstage spotlight

(HEIDI has dragged LAVINIA up the steps to the upper stage centre spotlight Heidi gets Lavinia’s mobile phone out of her pocket)

LAVINIA: Lighting the fuse might result in a bang!

HEIDI: I’m just borrowing you’re phone, mine’s died. Lavinia, I need to call for help. Who can I call? I don’t even know where we are, maybe we should go back to the LCR. Why did I drag you out of there? I can’t carry you all the way back to the flat, maybe someone will walk past

(HEIDI on phone tries to make call)

HEIDI: Come on Marcus, you seem reliable pick up! Pick up your phone! Where are you?

MC: Phone rings
LC: White light up, stage left

(Marcus’s Room is revealed with bed in middle at an angle and a bedside table. ROSIE and MARCUS enter from up-stage right. ROSIE is wrapped around MARCUS)

ROSIE: This isn’t my room

MARCUS: We couldn’t go back to yours, remember? You couldn’t remember where yours was

LC: Mobile phone ring-tone plays “Doctor Who” theme

MARCUS: That’s my phone

(MARCUS gets his phone out of his pocket but Rosie snatches it off him and switches it off)

ROSIE: Time to turn your phone off I think.

MARCUS: What if it’s important?

ROSIE: Nothing’s more important than me surely?

(MARCUS lowers ROSIE on to his bed. ROSIE tries to pull MARCUS down onto the bed with her but he resists)

ROSIE: Lie with me

MARCUS: You’re drunk, I’m not sure that this is such a good idea anymore

ROSIE: You’re cute when you’re trying to be serious

MARCUS: People only say that about me when they’re drunk

(MARCUS begins to walk out the room)

ROSIE: Where are you going?

MARCUS: To get you some water, you’ll thank me in the morning

(MARCUS exits up the stage left exit)

ROSIE: I’ll be gone by the morning. Mornings make me look ugly, how do they manage to do that? No-one ever says that I look pretty in the morning; mind you most people aren’t drunk in the mornings. What if he is there in the kitchen sobering up right now?

(MARCUS re-enters putting a glass of water by the bed on the bedside table)

MARCUS: Do you want anything else?

ROSIE: Only you, I’m so drunk, you could do anything to me and I wouldn’t know about it, although I will probably like it if you do. Lie here with me

(ROSIE stands up, clutches MARCUS in her hands and kisses him, with some resistance from MARCUS)

MARCUS: It’s a single bed designed for a single person

ROSIE: That’s fine we’re both single people

MARCUS: You can sleep in my bed tonight, I’ll sleep on the floor

ROSIE: I want to sleep where you sleep

MARCUS: Well I can’t sleep when there’s someone else in the bed with me

ROSIE: We don’t have to do any sleeping, I just don’t want to be on my own

MARCUS: Are you afraid of the dark?

ROSIE: No! I’ve lived half my lifetime at night-time, besides all my best times come in the darkness. Why, are you so afraid?

MARCUS: I’m not

ROSIE: So afraid of me and what might be. Don’t be afraid of the dark, don’t worry

(ROSIE kisses MARCUS)

MARCUS: I’m so confused. I’ve never met anyone like you before

(MARCUS kisses ROSIE, kissing alternates between dialogue)

ROSIE: If it’s any consolation not many people have

MARCUS: My head is spinning, you’re not my usual type

ROSIE: You either

MARCUS: I shouldn’t be doing this, it really isn’t me

ROSIE: Be someone else then

MARCUS: I can’t be what I’m not

ROSIE: How do you know what you’re not if you won’t take the time to push yourself to do try new?

(They kiss, falling onto the bed)

LC: Blackout

Scene 5C – A Lonely Place
LC: Spotlight up-stage centre

HEIDI: Help! Where is everyone? Won’t someone help me?

LAVINIA: Lighting the fuse my result in a bang…

HEIDI: Stop saying that!

LAVINIA: You’re an explosion! You’re dynamite!

HEIDI: Lavinia, listen to me you’re going to be ok but I need to know what you’ve taken because I’m going to call you an ambulance, I’m going to call for help

LAVINIA: The fuse is already lit! The fire is approaching, lighting up the night time sky, can’t you feel it burn?...

HEIDI: Stop talking gibberish, you’re scaring me

LAVINIA: …The alarms are ringing all around, getting louder and louder and there is no exit, no escape. Can’t you hear them?

(HEIDI on the mobile phone)

HEIDI: Ambulance service… immediately

Interval

Scene 6 - Everywhere
LC: All lights up
MC: A mobile phone begins to ring and another and another and another. Phone’s ring for five seconds and then silence

(The characters enter from all entrances. HEIDI sits on the floor surrounded by papers in front of the table which EMILY sits at whilst GREG lounges about on the right side of the raised stage. MARCUS stands at the upper stage upper door with guitar whilst LAVINIA is absent off-stage. Meanwhile stage right ROSIE is getting out of bed again, this time CONNOR is under the covers unseen. VALERIE sits on high at the stage left upper door. Tom sits on the top of the steps whilst NATHAN stands on the raised stage, EMMELINE paces about going left to right and back again and again during the scene. Everyone else stands assorted on the raised stage. The dialogue which magically cuts between the different conversations, picking up lines here and there. ROSIE’s mobile rings)

ROSIE: Hello Mum, can I call you back? Now’s not a good time

GREG: Dad I need money!

ROSIE: Yeh you’ve woken me up…

VALERIE: Mark!

ROSIE: …You shouldn’t have called me so early then…

NATHAN: Yeh I’m sorry I haven’t called but I’ve been busy

ROSIE: …What do you mean it’s two in the afternoon?

VALERIE: You could have called me if you were that worried

NATHAN: Stop calling me Mum! For the last time I’m fine, you don’t have to call everyday otherwise I’m going to run out of things to say to you

VALERIE (sobbing): Nothing’s wrong, why do you say that? It’s just good to hear from you that’s all

NATHAN: Our freshers’ week lasts the grand total of two days, my mates got two weeks! What’s with that?

HEIDI: It’s just a completely different way of life

TOM: They don’t take college as seriously over here, that’s for sure. They only work like six hours a week

VALERIE: Still haven’t unpacked any of my things

ROSIE: Got to know a lot of people

MARCUS: No I haven’t met a nice girl yet

HEIDI: My flatmate is always playing his guitar, he’s been playing a lot recently. Been quiet withdrawn, Marcus his name is

GREG: He won’t tell us where he disappeared to on the first night

EMMELINE: They are never quiet! 24 hours of hullabaloo a day!

TOM: Yeh they’re all very nice, to me, not always to each other though

EMMELINE: There is always, nattering or loud industrial music or drunken people shouting obscenities

ROSIE: Yeh I’m getting on with them well. No! I’ve not got with anyone yet!

EMMELINE: Every night I hear this incessant squelching sound coming from Rosie’s room, the rhythmic squeaking of the springs emanating through the walls!

HEIDI: I think its great being able to make friends without ever having to leave the flat

EMMELINE: It is only a matter of time until one of them starts a fire

MARCUS: As if moving away into a new flat for the first time wasn’t bad enough you’re living with complete strangers!

EMMELINE: I hate my flatmates! I want to move! I am walking down to the accommodation office right now!

HEIDI: I never really realised that I was a southerner until I came here

GREG: I love it, you can be anyone you want to be

ROSIE: No-one knows your history

EMILY: Yeh I’m just being myself, don’t think any of my flatmates have made their minds up about me yet

GREG: Emily the Bakewell Tart we call her, behind her back of course. Because she comes from Bakewell, that’s the joke because she got with a lecherous guy on the first night

HEIDI: Eventful is how I’d describe that first night

EMILY: One of my flatmates collapsed, had to be taken to hospital apparently, erm I went home early that night

(LAVINIA enters from upstage centre and walks to centre stage under the spotlight dressed in a hospital gown starring into middle distance)

EMILY: The doctors reckon there was something in her drink

HEIDI: I was with her all night in the A and E, it was shocking, it could have so easily have been me. I don’t think it was date rape or anything, I was there, no-one was chatting her up or anything. Of course I’m safe, it was just one of those things, she must have picked up the wrong drink that’s all

GREG: Yeh she is home now but I haven’t seen much of her since. Lavinia her name is, she’s foreign East European I think, bit quiet, struggles with the language

VALERIE: She was either Mexican or Swedish, I don’t really know

HEIDI: Don’t get in a fuss, just to the A and E in Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital no I wasn’t alone, the Resident Tutor was there and someone from security. They told me to go home but I wasn’t going to leave her, she only got to this country on Wednesday, that night I was the only friend she had. She’s fine now, well as fine as you can be, bit shaken up. The Resident Tutor? He’s the older student who takes responsibility for us, yeh he wasn’t too happy being dragged out on his first night…

TOM: Our Resident Tutor just dropped by telling us that the cleaner was unhappy about the state of the kitchen. She refused to clean it today, not that you’d notice

NATHAN: The cleaner didn’t clean the kitchen! Which is her job, because it wasn’t clean enough for her to clean, explain that to me. Our cleaner can’t be much older than we are, she must be really inexperienced. Dawn her name is.

VALERIE: We had left the kitchen in a bit of a mess, I felt a bit sorry for the cleaner, I can’t find anything under the dirty dishes oh and someone keeps drinking my milk

TOM: We have a secret milk thief

VALERIE: I just want my milk in the mornings!

NATHAN: She sounds like a child when she goes on about wanting her milk, that’s Valerie not Rosie. Rosie gets enough milk round other guy’s flats

ROSIE: It’s not me I’m never about for breakfast, it could be Nathan

NATHAN: It isn’t me, I don’t put milk on my cornflakes. I just put anything I can find on yesterday I had cider on cornflakes, oh yeh, of course I’m joking mum. The day before I found some, well the day before I borrowed her milk indefinetly but I’m not the milk thief

TOM: Cereal makes a great meal anytime of the day

NATHAN: Maybe it’s Tom. I’m not saying that because he is American he must be a klepto-maniac…

VALERIE: I said to them, I’m not going to get angry I just want to know who drank it

NATHAN: Valerie said she wasn’t going to angry

VALERIE: …but I was just too angry to be consistent

NATHAN: The only thing consistent about her is her inconsistency

TOM: There’s not much self space in the kitchen

EMMELINE: People keep stealing my shelf space

TOM: I’ve had to put a padlock on it so they don’t steal anymore of my food

VALERIE: We have a sort of cooker, it’s a microwave cooker, I’ve got no idea how it works, I just bash the buttons and hope that it starts

HEIDI: Yes I am eating enough, what did you say? Am I getting my 5 a day?

ROSIE: Does wine count towards it?

GREG: Two meals a day, it’s the student way

VALERIE: I’ve already lost like half a stone

HEIDI: Yes I’m keeping hydrated mum

EMILY: Yeh I’ve been getting loads of sleep, well more than Heidi did on that first night

HEIDI: Yeh so didn’t get much sleep on the first night and then had to spend the whole of the first day queuing, oh “the we” is me and Greg

NATHAN: This timetables make no-sense, its nonsense. When is B3*E4? That isn’t a time it’s a battleship grid reference

HEIDI: Yeh we finally worked out the timetable, it’s ok, I never realised how little “contact time” you actually get

NATHAN: Yeh I’ve been to all of my lectures so far, (pause) well I haven’t actually had any yet, well none that I’m aware of, (pause) yeh you’re right I probably should have had a lecture by now, it must be some sort of a timetabling problem

ROSIE: Lectures: the later the better

HEIDI: Went to my first lecture, it was ok, like being at school again except that the class was over 200 strong and the lesson was in a theatre

VALERIE: The only thing that I learnt in the lecture today is that Biology is really Chemistry. Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Maths. Oh and I also realised that I hate them all, why did I chose biology?

TOM: History, it’s just one fucking thing after another

ROSIE: What did you say? Studying hard? Oh… yeh of course I’m learning, all of it outside of the classroom though

HEIDI: Just reading my reading list, never knew you had to get so many books

NATHAN: For £3000 a year you’d have thought that they would have bought the books for you

FLORA: My bookstore bill almost equals my tuition fees

VALERIE: I have stuff on four days a week, at least 3 hours a day

EMILY: You never seem to get a break doing Environmental Studies, I do twice as much work as any humanities student

EMMELINE: Is it worth it? Where does all the money go? Because this course certainly is not value for money and in three years time I will £30,000 in debt with a dubious degree from an otherwise average university Education must be the only industry in the world where you have to pay to do work

GREG: Anyway that’s enough about me how are things back home?

HEIDI: Never thought that I’d miss your cooking but I do, I really do

VALERIE: I just needed to hear your voice

GREG: Coping without me?

VALERIE: Sheffield Uni sounds great, seems like your having a wild time in that party city but listen…

MARCUS: You actually had a party to celebrate?

NATHAN: Yeh we’re having a beach party tonight, invited all the neighbours, should be a right laugh

TOM: And before that we’re going to this thing called SocMart

VALERIE: I’ve got something to tell you…

TOM: You sound so distant on the end of the line

NED: I’m sick of being homesick

FLORA: It’s just the unfamiliarity of everything; I haven’t felt comfortable since I got here

EMMELINE: The rooms are uncomfortable and soulless. It is immaterial it doesn’t matter how much of your on stuff you clutter it up with it’s just a shell, every room is so uniform, there is no sense of personality or individuality

TOM: The amber skies above the tree-line of the lake is beautiful, love the lake wish you could be here to see it

HEIDI: I don’t want to come back just yet and it’s not that I want to leave here, it’s just so different it’s not just living somewhere else it’s a whole new way of living your life.

VALERIE (punctuated with gaps in conversation): I’ve got something I have to admit to you. I met this boy, just let me explain, it was in the LCR I was drunk and we got on really well and our flatmates we’re getting together, I know it sounds bad but believe me, nothing happened. Yeh he wanted something to happen but nothing did, honestly. It’s silly, I just thought you deserved to know. Don’t get like this, it was nothing. I miss you so much, I’m lost without you love. Why does it have to be this way? Forget I said anything, don’t go, I have so much still to tell you. Call me tomorrow then, first thing. Bye love.

EMILY: Not sure if I like it here yet, we’ll give it time. I will call you tomorrow

GREG: Bye, got to go!

HEIDI: I love you too

(HEIDI collects up the papers and departs down stage right exit)

MARCUS: I don’t even know who I am anymore

EMMELINE: I want to come home

Scene 6 – LCR SocMart

(Downstage in a line from stage right to left are GEORGINA, KEVIN, OWEN, ASH and KATY, they are giving out leaflets promoting their various societies to strangers who may or may not be invisible. Meanwhile a man named Matt Gloss stands near the stage right stairs up on the raised stage. JACKIE and NED enter from the back of the raised stage walking down to up-centre stage, gossiping all the time)

JACKIE: Come on! Hurry up, we’ve only got 5 minutes

NED: We’d have longer if you weren’t so persistent on going shopping. What’s wrong with the bikini you already have?

JACKIE: It makes me look fat

NED: That’s not the bikini’s fault! I hope Heidi comes in a bikini to this Suffolk Terrace beach party tonight

JACKIE: Greg said his flatmates are off limits. Do you fancy her then?

NED: She’s fancy-able. She’s attractive, I don’t know if am attracted

JACKIE: To be honest, I think Heidi fancies Greg, every time I see her she is talking about him

NED: Do you think Greg realises?

JACKIE: No, Greg is chasing that girl who’s engaged. He says they’re just friends, friends who go on coffee dates

NED: He gets so much female attention! It’s not fair why can’t I get some?

(CONNOR and FLORA enter)

JACKIE: You come across far too strongly. You’re about as subtle as an earthquake. Girls like the strong silent subtle type not the… earthquake type. Believe me Ned, I love you but the less you say the more attractive people will think you are

NED: Shame there’s no Single’s soc. I can’t see a Doctor Who Soc either, although I suppose that they’d basically be the same thing

JACKIE: You know Greg’s flatmate Marcus?

NED: No

JACKIE: Yeh you do, Marcus, the bland quiet one

NED: Oh the bland one! Yeh that really helps because bland people really stand out from the crowd

JACKIE: Well anyway. Apparently he smokes a lot of pot in his room, Greg says he hardly ever leaves and he mysteriously disappeared Sunday night to score some more hash…

SMITH: Is this Art Soc?

GEORGINA: Ant Soc? What’s Ant Soc? What would you even do in Ant Soc?

ARTHUR: No I said Art Soc

GEORGINA: No we’re not Art Soc or Ant Soc. This is Circus Soc, it’s very antertaining though, do you want to join?

SMITH: Well…

(FLORA sees the Korfball table)

FLORA: What the hell is Korfball?

OWEN: Come here and you’ll find out

(CONNOR not wanting to be left alone goes over to try and make talk about Nightline)

CONNOR: Nightline… what’s that?

KATY: Hello are you interested in joining Drama Soc?

NED: Yeh definitely, how do we get involved?

(ASH cuts in-between JACKIE and NED, pestering her)

ASH: Excuse me? Hello there. You a Fresher? Well can I just say, now has never been a better time to join the Young Conservatives. Not only will you get to meet some swell people with similar opinions to you, we also put on some great events. For example one night of the year, we all get dressed up and…

KATY: …put on a musical! One a year. DramaSoc is all about getting as many people to participate in theatre as possible, not just acting but directing, designing, even writing and producing, we always need producers. Then of course you can always just watch…

GEORGINA: …people riding unicycles whilst juggling, we even have people who can eat fire. We’re a diverse, friendly group, so anyone can come along. You could start out by simply getting some…

OWEN: …balls. Yeh korfball is played with one ball to be precise. The court is divided into zones of boys and girls and the idea is to get your ball…

KEVIN: …In the little room underneath Suffolk Terrace, block A. The coolest bit is because it is anonymous you can’t tell your friends when you are doing it. It could be any night during term time, we’re open for people to pop in, or give us a call from 8 until 8. We don’t impose, or police we just listen whilst…

KATY: …Speaking in Tongues. Love of the Nightingale I was in that one and Peter Pan, what else did we do? The American Way, Sweeney Todd and I’m sure I’m forgetting one… we definitely did another play last year on top of Diversify our yearly theatrical showcase, the radio show, Ready Steady Act and the Drama Socks our annual awards ceremony, I’m still totally over looking a play. I can’t for the life of me remember what it was, I know it…

ASH: …discussed European Politics. It was absolutely fascinating and we plan to have another guest speaker this year, we think he’s going to talk about…

KEVIN: …sexual health. There are always free condoms…

OWEN: …on korfball initiations but they aren’t compulsory. It’s just a really fun, unique sport, and at UEA we’re pretty good at it, we recently beat Essex in a match…

ASH: …debate contest whilst…

GEORGINA: …fire eating…

KATY: …on stage…

OWEN: …drinking…

KEVIN: …throughout the night…

KATY: …acting in-front of…

ASH: …Margaret Thatcher…

OWEN: …naked. But that’s only one night a year and the uni might not let us do it this year

FLORA: Sign me up!

(JACKIE turns away from ASH back to KATY)

JACKIE: Where do we sign?

GEORGINA: Membership is only £3

KATY: £5

OWEN: £40 for your insurance and then another £10 to actually join the society

NED: Can we pay at a later date?

CONNOR: I literally have no money on me

FLORA: I’m sorry I spent my last three pounds joining Games Soc

(NED, JACKIE, FLORA, CONNOR all drift off down stage left as they do GEORGINA goes over to KEVIN and they talk)

GEORGINA: They never give us their flipping money

KEVIN: Selling promises of future events is difficult even for someone as persuasive as you

GEORGINA: Persuasive, do you really think so?

KEVIN: You managed to convince a group of total strangers to have a party tonight…

GEORGINA: Yeh I heard about that! It’s amazing what people will do when they think they have a reputation to live up to

KEVIN: You going to go then? Seeing as your lies caused it…

GEORGINA: It would be rude not to and after all this will be our last chance to re-live our first week here. Are you going?

KEVIN: I am now, knowing that you’re going to be there

Scene 8A - Suffolk Flat Kitchen

(NATHAN, VALERIE and TOM, wearing beach themed costumes are walking between the stage left door and the kitchen table carrying alcohol to place there)

VALERIE: Stop eating those limes Nathan, they’re for the tequilla slammers

NATHAN: That lime is the first thing I’ve eaten in days

VALERIE: How did you spend your entire student loan in four days?

NATHAN: I spent half of it buying alcohol for this party

TOM: I hope lots of people turn up tonight

VALERIE: Yeh and the right kind of people, don’t want our resident tutor turning up spoiling all the fun

NATHAN: It blows having a resident tutor moving into our flat

VALERIE: Why can’t he just go back to where he came from?

NATHAN: Why is he moving in anyway?

TOM: Apparantly they moved him across from a quieter flat aparantly he’s only moving in because we’ve been so rawkus

VALERIE: I don’t suppose Nathan breaking the kitchen window yesterday helped

NATHAN: I promised I’ll pay for it, somehow

(EMMELINE enters not dressed in beach wear but with baggage)

NATHAN: Emmeline, why aren’t you dressed yet?

EMMELINE: I am not participating in this cherade of a party

TOM: What’s with all the luggage?

EMMELINE: What do you think I am doing? Taking my suitcases for a walk?

TOM: You’re leaving? Where are you going to go?

EMMELINE: Anywhere away from here

TOM: Can’t we talk about this?

EMMELINE: I already have a taxi booked

TOM: 5 minutes, the taxi can wait five minutes

EMMELINE: Nothing you can say will change my mind

TOM: We’ll just talk, if this is the last time I’ll ever see you don’t I at least deserve a goodbye?

EMMELINE: 5 minutes and then I’m gone

(TOM and EMMELINE exit via the stage left door)

VALERIE: Do you think she’s actually going to go though with it?

NATHAN: No, she’s all talk that one

VALERIE: That’s ok then. Do you want Sex on the Beach?

NATHAN: Yeh of course but it’s a bit of a trek to Great Yarmouth and what would Mark say?

VALERIE: Shut-up. Go on, take a sip

NATHAN: How have you made Sex on the Beach without any Peach Schnapps?

VALERIE: Oh yeh I just replaced the peach schnapps with more vodka

(NATHAN takes a swig before spitting it out)

NATHAN: Euww, that’s erm, different did you put any cranberry juice in this?

VALERIE: Oh no! I forgot to buy any cranberry juice

NATHAN: So it’s not really sex on the beach but more vodka and with a hint of orange juice, don’t you think it’s a bit strong?

VALERIE: Why would anyone want to buy a weak cocktail? People only drink cocktails to get drunk

(ROSIE enters from stage left door in nothing but a bikini)

NATHAN: I suppose (seeing Rosie) Blimey is that all you’re wearing Rosie?

ROSIE: Yeh, well it is a beach party. If anything I feel slightly overdressed. Why isn’t anyone here yet?

(SMITH enters from stage left door)

SMITH: Will someone please explain to me why there is so much alcohol on this table? Not planning on having a party are you?

NATHAN: No of course not, we just ran out of cupboard space

SMITH (to Rosie): You there. Why are you in such a state of undress?

ROSIE: I just generally feel more comfortable in a bikini, don’t you think it’s hot in here?

SMITH: Do I hear hordes of people outside?

NATHAN: Don’t be so paranoid, we’re not having a party or anything, honest just a few of our closest friends coming round for a quiet drink

(The Norfolk Terrace flatmates and ensemble arrive at the top of the stairs)

SMITH: …dressed in beach wear?

ROSIE: They’re Australian. Anyway I’m sure you’ve got lots of post-grad work to be getting on with, I’ll take you back to your new room. Have you finished packing yet? Let me help you

SMITH: Ok but the first signs of trouble and I won’t hesitate to call security

(ROSIE leaves through the stage left door with SMITH)

VALERIE: Have we actually run out of cupboard space?

NATHAN: Yeh but only because the cupboards are filled with booze too

Scene 8B – Suffolk Terrace Kitchen

(The Norfolk flatmates walk across from upstage centre with every other character featured arriving with them, walking down the stairs)

MARCUS: It’s a shame Lavinia hasn’t come out tonight

GREG: Can you blame her after the last time?

EMILY: She’s working, actually working in her first week!

HEIDI: She says failing her studies is not an option, I think her parents are very strict

GREG: It must be difficuilt for her, living with us, away from home in another country

MARCUS: Finally! Please, let this be the flat this time! I can’t bear walking into another wrong flat

HEIDI: At least we got to meet a lot of people on the way

EMILY: I can’t believe so many people have followed us here, we should be the last people they should be following seeing as it’s taken this long to find it and we still don’t know if this is the right flat but I suppose there is only one way to find out, here goes

(They tentatively walk down the steps)

GREG: This block looks really familiar for some reason

HEIDI: That’s because they all look the same

MARCUS: I agree with Greg, definitely looks familiar

(VALERIE sees GREG walking down the steps. NATHAN remains at table)

GREG: Valerie!

VALERIE: Greg!

HEIDI: Greg’s talking phone!

VALERIE: Nemo!

GREG: Valerie what are you doing here?

VALERIE: It’s my belated beach birthday party! Try saying that when you’re drunk. So basically there wouldn’t be a party without me, what are you doing here?

GREG: It’s a party, we got an invite, I didn’t realise it was your party though; (to Heidi) I said that I thought this all looked familiar when walking down

(MARCUS steps forward)

VALERIE: Hello again Nemo

MARCUS: Evening, wearing two shoes for once then?

VALERIE: You remember!

GREG: Remember what?

VALERIE: We bumped into each other as strangers, must have been when Marcus first got here. Sorry for not recognising you at the LCR

MARCUS (to Valerie): Does you being here mean that Rosie is too?

VALERIE: Yeh somewhere

MARCUS: I need a drink then

(MARCUS goes to the drinks table. NATHAN goes to the speakers at the back of the room)

GREG: I see you’ve finally found some shoes that you’re comfortable enough to actually walk in

VALERIE: Oh these aren’t shoes, these are flip-flops

MC: Valerie

GREG: Aw I love this song

VALERIE: I don’t

NATHAN (singing): Valerie! I’m playing your song

VALERIE: You won’t be playing after I’ve got my hands on you

(VALERIE chases NATHAN around the room. GREG goes to the back of the room)

VALERIE: Why are you dodging all the time Nathan?

NATHAN: I’m feeling dizzy

VALERIE: Come back here!

(GREG changes the track. VALERIE stops chasing NATHAN)

MC: “Valerie” music ends abruptly

NATHAN: Who did that?

VALERIE: Whoever did it gets a hug from me

(GREG steps forward)

GREG: It was me. You just needed the right man to fix it for you

(VALERIE hugs GREG, they continue to talk. ROSIE re-enters walking over to the table, sees NATHAN at the table who is almost back to back with MARCUS who is getting a drink)

ROSIE (to Nathan): Bloody hell, where did all these people come from?

NATHAN: From everywhere, news spreads fast

ROSIE: And why is no-one flirting with me yet? I didn’t wear a bikini to be ignored

NATHAN: I think some people are still pretty intimidated by you after last night

ROSIE: What did I do last night?

NATHAN: Forget about it

ROSIE: Good policy, I never purposefully try to remember the night before. What I don’t remember can’t embarrass me

NATHAN: I think I see Emily over there, better go say hello

(NATHAN goes to try and talk to EMILY but can’t get through the mass of people by the door)

MARCUS: Rosie

ROSIE: Marcus?

MARCUS: Hello, didn’t know you were going to be here, not at first, if I’d have known…

ROSIE: No, no it’s nice to see you here

MARCUS: Likewise, so what are you doing here?

ROSIE: I live here and you know me, always standing by the nearest supply of alcohol

(ROSIE drinking)

MARCUS: You seem to have an unquenchable thirst

ROSIE: The more I drink, the hotter everyone else becomes so I drink as much as possible. So you ok and everything?

MARCUS: Yeh, yeh, fine, you?

ROSIE: Same old

(Beat, ROSIE finishes her drink)

MARCUS: Want another drink?

ROSIE: Yeh seeing as I paid for half of this

(MARCUS pours her a drink from a bottle)

MARCUS: It’s a good party you’ve got here

ROSIE: It’s not a party, not technically, if we call it a party our resident tutor’s going to kick everyone out and that would be a shame because you’re looking very hot tonight

MARCUS: Yeh it’s just so crowded in here

ROSIE: Just can’t take a compliment can you?

MARCUS: Pardon? I can’t hear a word you’re saying

ROSIE: Are you being intentionally dense?

MARCUS: Am I that transparent?

ROSIE: I can see right through you

MARCUS: Can we talk?

ROSIE: Aren’t we already?

MARCUS: I mean can we talk away from all these nosy ears?

ROSIE: Ok

(NATHAN is nearly through the crowd to EMILY and HEIDI. Everyone else crowds the upstage of downstage left and snake up the stairs)

HEIDI: Nathan’s coming, won’t it be awkward? What are you going to do?

EMILY: You’ll see

NATHAN: Emily!

EMILY (to Heidi): I’m just going to touch up my make-up

HEIDI (aside to Emily): You’re not leaving me to talk to him?

EMILY: Got to touch up my make-up, look gorgeous, make him see what’s he’s missing

(NATHAN finally arrives at HEIDI, EMILY walks stage right)

NATHAN: Hi Heidi

HEIDI: Hi, you ok?

NATHAN: Yeh, you?

HEIDI: Yeh

(Meanwhile VALERIE and GREG kiss centre stage left, EMILY, on her way out sees them kissing, she rushes back across to Heidi to try and stop her from seeing but it is too late)

NATHAN: Heidi, Heidi?

EMILY: Heidi, just don’t look, forget about it

NATHAN: Emily

EMILY: Not now Nathan

(NATHAN walks back to table. EMILY puts her arm round HEIDI rotating her gently away from seeing the kissing. VALERIE and GREG finish kissing)

GREG: I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me

VALERIE: I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t.

GREG: Valerie

VALERIE: You and me, we just can’t be

GREG: But Valerie!

(VALERIE exits through the crowds to the stage left door)

HEIDI: Why does it never happen for me?

EMILY: It’s always the way, the less interest you show you are, the more they want you. Men love a challenge, why do you think they are always trying to convert lesbians?

HEIDI: Exactly, lesbians get more attention from men than I do! And of all the single straight women here he had to fall for someone who was already engaged, why couldn’t he pick someone single?

EMILY: Attraction, it doesn’t work like that. He could have fallen for anybody

HEIDI: I could have been anybody

EMILY: Anybody could be anybody and Greg just isn’t “the anybody” for you. Stop looking and you’ll start finding love

HEIDI: So what am I always doing so wrong?

EMILY: Well if you want to be brutally honest you do sometimes come across as being a bit insecure, just a bit

HEIDI: That’s because I am insecure!

EMILY: You’re not supposed to tell people you’re insecure

HEIDI: But it’s who I am.

EMILY: Everyone is insecure. I’m insecure, Greg’s insecure, everyone is insecure. It’s just some people hide it better than others. Insecure isn’t attractive, no-one will fancy you if they think you’re insecure

HEIDI: That’s exactly what I’m so self-conscious about. I’m so self-conscious about being self-conscious

EMILY: Then pretend that you’re not. Smile when you feel sad. Pretend you’re confident when you’re not and people will think that you are. That’s all confidence is at the end of the day, it’s a blag. Life is one big blag, you do a degree in blagging, you should start learning how to do it

HEIDI: It’s a shame you can’t blag love

Scene 8C – Emmeline’s flat
LC: Lights up on upper stage left door

EMMELINE: I am packed. I am leaving. I hate this flat. I detest the university. The taxi is already on the way. There is nothing you can say to stop me. I simply cannot cope with life here. All the knocking on doors at dawn, the inane chatter in the kitchen which I have to pretend to be interested in, living with complete strangers who irritate me incredibly

TOM: But that’s just Freshers week. This isn’t a realistic sample of what university is like. If it was no-one would survive three years. All this chaos, it won’t last. Real university life hasn't even started for you yet

EMMELINE: What makes you say that?

TOM: I’ve been a freshman before back at Clark. I was like you when I first moved in, didn’t get on with my housemates, struggled to integrate throughout my “Orientation”. But it’s just culture shock, it’s only because everything is new and in flux, you don’t know where you are, where you’re going, who you’re talking to. You just try to survive whilst everyone else around you lives everyday as if there will be another. What they don’t know is that there will be. There will be 3 years of it for you and you will adapt to it, people will adapt to you and then it will be normal and eventually you’ll never want to live any other way

EMMELINE: That is not the only reason though, there are lots of reasons why I’m leaving not all of them to do with living in this flat during freshers week

TOM: Like?

EMMELINE: The university, I do not like the university

TOM: Why?

EMMELINE: UEA’s motto was once “Do Different” but now it seems to be forgotten along with the liberal 60’s ideals upon which the university was built. Strip away the concrete and you could mistake it for any other modern mainstream English university. Maybe it is all the fault of the students. No one seems more passionately apathetic than students at UEA. The biggest controversy that emanated from the students in recent times seems to have been the changing of the university logo. Forget Zimbabwe, Iraq and Nepal; UEA students get angry about not being able to use the old university logo on their society hoodies

TOM: You’re basing your decision to leave on uni hoodies? A student body isn’t a fixed entity. If you feel passionately about an aspect of college policy or student apathy then you don’t walk away. You get involved, you make a stand, you change it, make it better. Nothing changes for you, if you want something to change you have to do it yourself. “Challenge Convention, Change the World”. So you’re not happy here? Well there’s only one person who can change that and that’s you. Honestly if you leave now you will always look back regretting what never was, the three saddest words in the English language

EMMELINE: I agree with you

TOM: You do?

EMMELINE: With “what never was” being the three saddest words in English

TOM: Oh

EMMELINE: You want to know the real reason I’m leaving?

TOM: Yes, finally the real reason

EMMELINE: Out of all the people I have met here in the last few days there is only one who I consider to be my friend

TOM: And who is that?

EMMELINE: You

TOM: Me? Surely you’ve met…?

EMMELINE: No every other person whom I’ve met I’ve despised

TOM: Well I’m honoured. Honoured and saddened

EMMELINE: Sadness is in the realisation of truth. Happiness is simply when you forget your misery and I can never seem to forget

TOM: You’re lonely and loneliness is felt most vehemently when surrounded by strangers. Leaving here won’t change that but if you stay, you’ll have me and loneliness shared is loneliness halved.

MC: Mobile phone beep

EMMELINE: My taxi is outside waiting and I’m not lonely, honestly

TOM: Only people who say honestly tend not to be themselves. Stay

(EMMELINE looks at TOM)

LC: Blackout

Scene 8D – Outside the Suffolk Terrace Flat

MARCUS: I still don’t know how I woke up with you Monday morning

ROSIE: You really know how to flatter a girl

MARCUS: I didn’t mean it like that

ROSIE: Then how did you mean it?

MARCUS: I wasn’t myself, it wasn’t who I am, I mean for a start you’re not my type

ROSIE: Ah that’s what this is about. Don’t worry I wasn’t going of ask you out just because we spent a night together and for the record you’re not my type either

MARCUS: No you don’t understand, you’re really not my type

ROSIE: Good you’re totally not my type, I don’t usually go for men who…

MARCUS: I’m gay!

ROSIE: What did you say?

MARCUS: I told you, you weren’t my type

ROSIE: You can’t be. You don’t act gay

MARCUS: It’s not an act

ROSIE: You can’t be gay, I mean what about Sunday night we…

MARCUS: You think I don’t know that? You don’t think I’ve been thinking about that for the last however many days? When I woke up on Monday morning it was like waking up to find that the world was suddenly spinning the other way round on its axis…

ROSIE: Probably just your head spinning from the night before

MARCUS: At first I thought it was a dream but then I saw you’d drunk the water that I left you, I smelt your perfume on my pillow and it was really real

ROSIE: I never did thank you for the water before I left in the morning

MARCUS: It was wrong, all of it

ROSIE: You can’t be gay, not after Sunday night

MARCUS: I still fancy men

ROSIE: Men! You finally find one you like and he goes and says he’s gay. Did Sunday night mean nothing to you? I’ve never met someone like you. Other men are all the same, when the blood flows to their penises they become light-headed, can’t think straight, grab the first thing they can find and just about have enough residual animal instinct left to do it before the alcohol in their blood stream makes them pass out. But you weren’t like that. You weren’t selfish, you were giving, gentle…

MARCUS: I was nervous

ROSIE: You were great and I don’t just say that to anyone

MARCUS: Then why did you run off at first light?

ROSIE: Habit, I suppose, it’s just my defence mechanism, stops me getting too attached to anyone. I was worried I liked you too much. It’s funny when I first met you, I didn’t even notice you much but me and Nathan had this bet and the bet was to get with you. Never thought it would lead me here

MARCUS: You got with me for a bet?

ROSIE: I got to know you for a bet, there’s a difference. Don’t look at me like that

MARCUS: Nothing’s what it seems with you! You strip away one layer, think you find out who you really are and then you strip away another layer and what you thought was real was a lie until you can’t believe anything you say anymore

ROSIE: Marcus! Come back!

MARCUS: Go fuck a fresher! See how I care

(MARCUS exits up-stage. ROSIE returns to the party)

Scene 8E – Suffolk Terrace Kitchen/Balcony

(OWEN, ASH, FLORA, CONNOR, KATY, KEVIN, GEORGINA, JACKIE and NED are all across the right side of stage left)

FLORA: It’s getting stuffy in here

CONNOR: Shame we can’t go out onto the balcony

FLORA: Why build a balcony just to keep it locked up?

CONNOR: These were built in the 60s in a time before health and safety

OWEN: It’s easy to force open, look

(OWEN forces it open and climbs out)

ASH: You can’t go out there! What if you get caught?

FLORA: Oooh, this looks fun

CONNOR: Flora! Come back

(FLORA follows OWEN, CONNOR follows FLORA)

FLORA: Yay, we got a threesome on the balcony! Come on everyone

GEORGINA: In the year I lived here, I never went out on the balcony

KEVIN: This might be your last ever chance

GEORGINA: You’re right, let’s go

(KEVIN, GEORGINA and KATY follow on)

NED: Where’s everyone going?

JACKIE: They’re leaving us behind

NED: Let’s follow them

(JACKIE and NED follow)